Maman and papa were heading out to a soirée for the night so I had to watch the kids. I told Andréa to stay with Manon and the rest of the gang because they all needed to be there for her. I had seen them all earlier when I was at the apartment and Eek! She did NOT look good. She had just had a nursing exam as well so it hadn't been a terribly good week for her.
I was busy with the kids all night, making them dinner, blowing up the fireworks that Andréa had bought in Spain, and making sure they weren't getting into anything that they weren't supposed to. The kids drove me absolutely nuts tonight! Nicolas wanted to eat his dinner in the TV room and tried to take it in there even after I said 'no.' He even brought a lit firework into the house and scorched the floor. I was already at my wits end with him when the triplets decided to eat everything edible and inedible in the house, use up every plate, cup, and utensil and not rinse it and put it in the dishwasher when I asked them to. I ended up yelling at every single one of them and scared them into submission. I didn't get all Shining on them and pull out any creepy antics though I did get in their faces and followed them as they picked up each thing that they used, went to the sink to wash it, and stared them down until they carefully placed each item in the dishwasher. I mean, how HARD is that?!? Seriously spoiled! The only one that ever listens or does things without me asking is Antoine, though he IS the oldest and he's Didier's kid so he knows how to be respectful. Sure, I'm their nanny but that doesn't mean that I have to clean up all of the messes they voluntarily make. They're old enough to know better and they really shouldn't be that lazy. When I was their age I was doing laundry...The kids started re-using dishes after this episode. It's a good thing when the parents leave them alone with me, but it makes a mess of my conscious well-being.
I know I had given Andréa the 'go' on hanging with his friends tonight but when he didn't come to Aix when they left, I got really irritated. He had asked if I wanted him to pick me up and I said 'no' because I saw that he had misspelled some words and figured he was drunk. I got super pissed when he said he was going to bed though because I expected him to come, especially after he told me that he wasn't drunk. I'm sure I'm just really moody tonight with the kids wearing me out but I kind of hate it when everyone else can have fun and I can't. I'm kind of a sour puss in that way. Krystle had a party tonight with all of our friends and Andréa was able to see all of his buddies and I haven't seen mine in weeks. It just really got to me so I went off on him. When he told me he was going to sleep, all I said was "you would" and that stirred up an argument like you wouldn't believe. First of all, Andréa knows that when I speak in english that something's wrong. Second, when I tried to explain to him why I was irritated he simply didn't get it even though I was telling him that it was my own fault that I was mad. He ended up losing his temper and I told him that if he wasn't going to try to understand after he demands that I explain that I would find someone else who would. BAD MOVE.
Andréa was immediately on his way to Aix, calling me every minute, with me ignoring each call. I don't know how long I let this go on before I picked up. He came in the house. We argued in my room while all of the kids were sleeping. He kept on bringing up the fact that I say hurtful things, and I already knew this. I got the immediate realization that he deserves better than me. Because hey! I AM MEAN!!! I would never want to be like my mom but I'm exactly like her in that when I'm tired, I take my stress out on those that are closest to me. It's always my boyfriends that suffer. Though, with my exes, once they figured out what situations stressed me out like that, we were able to avoid the arguments altogether. I still feel like no matter how much I love Andréa, I know that he'll suffer too.
I decided that I had made Andréa's life harder than it should be. I mean, the guy is trying to move back to America with me--away from all of his friends and family that he is so close to. Am I really good for him? I don't think so. I don't care if it's out of love. I'm still taking him away from his family. I decided I'd push him away. He brought up the fact that I was upset when Yossef was mean to Manon but that I was exactly like him. I didn't argue with that at all because it's true. I am a Yossef! Yossef and I are kindred. That's why I understood him so well and why we got along so great. I told Andréa to leave. He refused. I kept on saying it until he said 'You know if I leave, I'm never coming back.' And I just replied with "I don't care." Andréa threw his favorite scarf I gave him on my bed and walked out with tears in his eyes. You guys know it kills me when he cries. Geez, what a great softening tactic on me...I went after him a minute later [DEFINITELY not a Melinda move], but he wasn't there so I called him back. No matter what he said earlier, he turned around.
When he came back, we didn't really do much talking. I just held him, kissed him, told him that I loved him, and that I was sorry. God, I am a really huge bitch...I have no idea where I got the idea that I can take back the mean things that I say and do and I don't understand why people let me. I am a horrible, horrible person and I know this. I really love Andréa though, and I'm willing to put in some effort. I seriously need to zen out...It's really difficult to de-stress the ways I normally do here in France though...
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