This is going to be a very difficult post for me to write. You all know that the relationship between Andréa and I has been deteriorating. We were arguing in a healthy fashion for awhile but that eventually did a 180°. We no longer respect one another and we both know all too well how to push each others' buttons. This is what happens when you take each other for granted. Andréa and I got too comfortable with the idea that we were going to be together forever. So much that we killed the "forever" part. With all that's happened between us, we just thought we couldn't do anything to hurt the relationship, but we did. We hurt each other repeatedly and that put so much distance between us that we no longer had a relationship to lean on. Basically, "the straw that broke the camel's back."
The relationship hasn't felt right in awhile, for the past month I'd say. When Andréa and I are happy with one another, we're on Cloud 9. It's pure ecstasy! But when it's bad, I feel like I'm in Purgatory and that there's no escape. I don't think you should ever feel like that with the one you love the most. Honestly, I think the stress of me leaving, the stress of Andréa following me back to the states, and work on both sides just got to us. We didn't know how to put the extra weight to the side. We didn't know how to love each other anymore. We were actually mean to each other. This Andréa was completely unrecognizable, and I'm sure I was too. Lately, whenever I look into his eyes, they just seem empty. And he's been asking me more and more what I'm thinking about when I gaze off, but really, it was never anything specific. We became zombies in the relationship--going back to basic instincts. It's only been food and sex lately. Most people wouldn't complain, but Andréa and I both need deeper meaning.
The problems between us got so horrible that my host family finally intervened. It's over between us. My host parents are finally taking a stand. Our relationship isn't healthy and we need time apart. Maybe it can work out for us in the future after we've both grown mentally, but now is just not the time. We both need to get our lives in order. Then, and only then will we be able to determine if we can make it work. There's just so much happening currently that we're losing confidence in ourselves. If you don't believe in yourself, then you'll project that fear onto everyone else--especially those you love the most. If you love and respect yourself, then you'll love and respect those around you.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't depressed right now. The feeling is absolutely incapacitating. I feel like I'm dying. Andréa and I both know that it's time to stop, but I still love him and I would do anything just to touch him. It's taking me every ounce of energy not to pick up my phone. I've been through serious breakups before and the pain is just stifling. This one is just as bad, if not worse. It doesn't matter if it was a mutual breakup or not, it still hurts. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I've been taking sleeping pills but I still wake up in the middle of the night feeling like my heart is being ripped out. The most difficult part of my day is having to get out of bed. I just want to stay in my hole until my flight back to the states, but I know that I have kids to care for and friends that are still here.
I know that I'm not alone but I feel like I am. The sense of loneliness is so crushing, I can barely breathe! But it will force me to find myself once again. People so often lose themselves in relationships, so much that they're completely changed. It's normal to pick up traits from your partners but it is absolutely necessary to stay true to yourself through it all. After all, that's the person that he fell in love with. I feel like I changed in the relationship, little by little, until I was completely different. Now I feel like a completely blank canvas. The only advantage I see in that is that I can re-paint who I want to be. I recently looked up old conversations Andréa and I had via FB. It's so sweet, seeing how we began and how much love was in our relationship before. When the conversation changed, I stopped reading. I want to know how to go back to that time, how to rewind, but I can't find a solution yet.
It's strange. This breakup makes the most logical sense but it's still emotionally painful. It's the emotion that keeps dragging me down because I know, logically, that this relationship is unhealthy--at this time anyway. Everything seems so dark right now, but I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that the only way out is to go through. I feel like I'm drowning in emotions but I know that there's a purpose to it all and that I'll survive. I will always love Andréa and I will always remember our time together in France. He has my whole heart and I don't want it back. He was my best friend. I can still see a bright future for us both with a home and babies, but we both need to mature emotionally. I never expected to fall in love when I came to France, but I'm glad Andréa found me. I will always have hope that things will work out in the future, but right now, I'm going to leave it alone.
The relationship hasn't felt right in awhile, for the past month I'd say. When Andréa and I are happy with one another, we're on Cloud 9. It's pure ecstasy! But when it's bad, I feel like I'm in Purgatory and that there's no escape. I don't think you should ever feel like that with the one you love the most. Honestly, I think the stress of me leaving, the stress of Andréa following me back to the states, and work on both sides just got to us. We didn't know how to put the extra weight to the side. We didn't know how to love each other anymore. We were actually mean to each other. This Andréa was completely unrecognizable, and I'm sure I was too. Lately, whenever I look into his eyes, they just seem empty. And he's been asking me more and more what I'm thinking about when I gaze off, but really, it was never anything specific. We became zombies in the relationship--going back to basic instincts. It's only been food and sex lately. Most people wouldn't complain, but Andréa and I both need deeper meaning.
The problems between us got so horrible that my host family finally intervened. It's over between us. My host parents are finally taking a stand. Our relationship isn't healthy and we need time apart. Maybe it can work out for us in the future after we've both grown mentally, but now is just not the time. We both need to get our lives in order. Then, and only then will we be able to determine if we can make it work. There's just so much happening currently that we're losing confidence in ourselves. If you don't believe in yourself, then you'll project that fear onto everyone else--especially those you love the most. If you love and respect yourself, then you'll love and respect those around you.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't depressed right now. The feeling is absolutely incapacitating. I feel like I'm dying. Andréa and I both know that it's time to stop, but I still love him and I would do anything just to touch him. It's taking me every ounce of energy not to pick up my phone. I've been through serious breakups before and the pain is just stifling. This one is just as bad, if not worse. It doesn't matter if it was a mutual breakup or not, it still hurts. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I've been taking sleeping pills but I still wake up in the middle of the night feeling like my heart is being ripped out. The most difficult part of my day is having to get out of bed. I just want to stay in my hole until my flight back to the states, but I know that I have kids to care for and friends that are still here.
I know that I'm not alone but I feel like I am. The sense of loneliness is so crushing, I can barely breathe! But it will force me to find myself once again. People so often lose themselves in relationships, so much that they're completely changed. It's normal to pick up traits from your partners but it is absolutely necessary to stay true to yourself through it all. After all, that's the person that he fell in love with. I feel like I changed in the relationship, little by little, until I was completely different. Now I feel like a completely blank canvas. The only advantage I see in that is that I can re-paint who I want to be. I recently looked up old conversations Andréa and I had via FB. It's so sweet, seeing how we began and how much love was in our relationship before. When the conversation changed, I stopped reading. I want to know how to go back to that time, how to rewind, but I can't find a solution yet.
It's strange. This breakup makes the most logical sense but it's still emotionally painful. It's the emotion that keeps dragging me down because I know, logically, that this relationship is unhealthy--at this time anyway. Everything seems so dark right now, but I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that the only way out is to go through. I feel like I'm drowning in emotions but I know that there's a purpose to it all and that I'll survive. I will always love Andréa and I will always remember our time together in France. He has my whole heart and I don't want it back. He was my best friend. I can still see a bright future for us both with a home and babies, but we both need to mature emotionally. I never expected to fall in love when I came to France, but I'm glad Andréa found me. I will always have hope that things will work out in the future, but right now, I'm going to leave it alone.
"If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, then they never were."
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