Well y'all, I've hit a wall...The day has finally come where I am sad. I still have no regrets about separating from Andréa but I think it's only human to have hope. Even though I got rid of every little thing that would remind me of him there are still things all around that make me think of him. For example, I was reminded that I have to pick Baptiste up from soccer practice today, and well, Andréa plays soccer and would often go with me to Baptiste's practices. I also was watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season 3 finale today and Camille Grammer's best friend Dedra "Dede" Whitt showed up. Dédé is Andréa's nickname. HOW INSUFFERABLE!!! It's like no matter what I do, I can't avoid him. I even got a text message from him explaining his behavior on Monday. Yes, I deleted his contact info but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who wrote the text. It really bugs me that he still texts me because he consciously knows that he's going to make me think of him.
Now I'm all over the map again! I am SURE we cannot work it out but I can't deny the fact that I absolutely love him. Yes, the love has changed but that doesn't change the fact that it was the deepest love I've ever felt in my life. The questions running through my head are: Is it possible for us to get along? Can we stop bickering? Are we just in a rut? Was his temper tantrum a one-time thing? But I have to keep reminding myself that those are questions that I SHOULDN'T be asking. It's not a "Melinda" personality trait to second-guess myself. Though, it's honestly THAT that makes me curious. That I'm re-thinking it for a reason. How annoying...
What's also irritating is all of you readers out there in cyberspace filling up my inbox with questions about the relationship. I know that some of you are dating foreigners and are going through similar things but if I had answers to your questions, I wouldn't be writing about my own problems, you know? So, I'm sorry that I have nothing for you. I don't have this figured out. All I can tell you is that every relationship is different and yes, cultural differences probably have a lot to do with your arguments, but you should really just listen to your OWN gut feeling. You know what's best for yourself...
Anyway, I'm back in re-evaluation mode so that's what I'm going to discuss today. So, the blowout happened because I ignored Andréa. This is a thing I do often when I'm annoyed. It's my coping mechanism because when something is bothering me I want to avoid saying things I will regret so I just don't say anything at all. To Andréa, me being annoyed is one of the most awful things in the world. I really don't understand why because he gets annoyed too and all I do with him is tell him to "chill" and it's over. Being annoyed to me is like an itch you can't scratch, it's frustrating and bothersome, but it's not the end of the world and it typically goes away before you remember it existed. So the fact that he can't allow me to be annoyed is a big deal. I mean, not everything is always going to be hunky-dory and if the worst thing I'm doing to you is ignoring you then you should re-evaluate your priorities and think about what really matters in this world. I can kind of understand why it would bother him because he likes attention but seriously, it doesn't even resemble an issue worth recognizing. So I'm not talking to you for the moment. Get over it. I still love you.
Andréa told me in the car yesterday that he wanted me to give him as much as he gives me. I feel like I give, a lot! I really don't understand what else he needs from me. I mean, I showed up to his birthday dinner with a full-on flu. I didn't really enjoy anything because the body aches were so horrible but he was happy and that's all that mattered to me at the time. As for minor things, I drove to Marseille AT LEAST three times a week and would basically watch him sleep because he'd be so tired from work. And I would've been okay with staying in Aix, but his proclamation that he wanted to spend every day with me before I went back to the states really just stuck with me, especially because he said he meant it. What else do I feel like I've sacrificed for him? I've left on multiple weekends when all 6 of the kids would be at my house just to be with him. My host parents were always so cool with me taking the weekend off with him but honestly, I love those children and I would miss them. Not only that, but I wouldn't want to leave the responsibility of all 6 kids to Céline and Didier. Next, I spent a fortune on his birthday gifts even though I get paid jack shit as a nanny but I did it because I knew he would enjoy them. His comment in the car about him spending so much money on gas and not being rich really perturbed me because this relationship isn't about money. What about me spending all of my pay on gas the previous months? I never complained about that and I even ended up using my savings because of it. At his request, I was always at his side when he wanted me to be. I never even looked at another guy when I was with him. He was the only one that ever mattered to me. I was a very loving girlfriend on top of that. I kissed him all the time, told him that I loved him, and that I couldn't wait to grow old with him. How endearing is that? Especially coming from me who is relatively unemotional on the exterior. Ask my exes how loving I was toward them. I dated Matt Brydge in the same amount of time and he got NO love. I'm sorry Andréa feels like I don't give enough but I'm a nanny and taking care of 4 kids on the regular and a humongous house is very demanding. I can't give him 100% all the time. Kami says "if you don't know what he gives you he is clearly giving you what HE WOULD need not what you actually need. True love is finding out what the other person's love language is and sacrificing simply because you love them, not because you need that same thing back." And for me, I did everything because I love him, not because I expected anything out of it. To me, it just feels good to give and to make someone else feel good.
A lot of your messages have said things like 'there seems to be something else going on in his life and he doesn't need a girlfriend right now.' I think that's true. But isn't part of being in a relationship the ability to talk about things that really matter? Isn't that a perk of having a girlfriend or a boyfriend? Talking to someone that will at least try to understand you and help you? I think so. But the thing about the two of us is that even though he was my partner, we didn't have a partnership. We weren't a team. And we didn't see eye-to-eye. I think we were both guilty of the cause of that. I wouldn't know how we could change that because our personalities are so different.
I used to feel like we wanted exactly the same things in our life, and maybe we still do, but we both have different ideas of how to get there. I agree with him that it's okay to fight because it helps you get to know each other better, but I don't agree about what we're fighting over. I also don't want him screaming at me or throwing stuff around. I know he's not hitting me, but it's still violent behavior and since I'm always thinking to the future, I would NEVER want our children to see that. It leaves a mark. And I say that from personal experience. I think I just piss him off sometimes, he pisses me off too, but we handle it differently. He says I should learn to control myself because I get annoyed by everything, but me not speaking or ignoring him IS me controlling myself. I can't help the fact that certain things annoy me, but I can certainly control how I choose to handle it, and I do. He, on the other hand, lets things go until they build up and he explodes. That doesn't seem like anger management or self-control to me. He says it's immature of me to ignore him, but how mature is it to throw stuff around? I get annoyed, I bitch about it or say nothing at all, then I forget about it. End of story. I don't have to throw anything, I don't yell, and I don't slam doors. I just give you the silent treatment until I've re-composed myself.
My host parents aren't at all surprised about what happened. The general consensus is that Andréa is an extremely kind and respectful gentleman but that our personalities just didn't click. Didier says that Andréa has always been timid around the family--even after knowing them and seeing them regularly for three months. He says that when people are that shy, they're normally hiding something they don't want other people to see. Whereas, I, a semi-loud outgoing American show people all of my obnoxious traits and allow them to decide whether they want to stick around or not. And it's true! My host dad knows me well. I believe that's it's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for someone you're not. Didier also thinks that it's the shy ones are the most likely to blow up, because they're constantly internalizing everything. I do see that in Andréa. Céline confessed last night that she never thought it would work between Andréa and I. Mentioning that he never started any conversations or when she asked him to show her the pictures from Spain, she'd ask about certain locations and he'd give one-word answers. Fine, so he's uninteresting. But the thing she said about the two of us that really made me realize she was right was our ability to adapt to new situations. She said that I'm always traveling and immersing myself in different cultures--and when she said different cultures she didn't mean going from the U.S. to another primarily caucasian country like France. She was talking about countries with completely different cultural foundations like Morocco or southeast Asia--and I see that, but I also grew up with that tendency. It's true that I have strength in self-adaptation though. I mean, I went to college 10 hours from my hometown without knowing anyone and I moved all the way to France without knowing anyone or having a place to live. I love these challenges but things like that stress Andréa out. I feel like if he actually moved to the states with me, he'd have a total meltdown even if he had a job lined up.
I know I said I was done with the relationship but I can't help but miss him. I know it's only day 2 but I can't stop myself. I still love him. It's not difficult to find someone to love you by any means. It's not even hard to find someone that will do anything for you. What's difficult for me, is finding someone I CAN LOVE BACK. I know that I am still young yet, but the last time I was in love was 4 years ago. I keep thinking back to this quote by Shannon L. Alder. I was given her book when I was a member of the LDS church. She says:
“If he can't handle you at your worst then he does not deserve you at your best.
Now I'm all over the map again! I am SURE we cannot work it out but I can't deny the fact that I absolutely love him. Yes, the love has changed but that doesn't change the fact that it was the deepest love I've ever felt in my life. The questions running through my head are: Is it possible for us to get along? Can we stop bickering? Are we just in a rut? Was his temper tantrum a one-time thing? But I have to keep reminding myself that those are questions that I SHOULDN'T be asking. It's not a "Melinda" personality trait to second-guess myself. Though, it's honestly THAT that makes me curious. That I'm re-thinking it for a reason. How annoying...
What's also irritating is all of you readers out there in cyberspace filling up my inbox with questions about the relationship. I know that some of you are dating foreigners and are going through similar things but if I had answers to your questions, I wouldn't be writing about my own problems, you know? So, I'm sorry that I have nothing for you. I don't have this figured out. All I can tell you is that every relationship is different and yes, cultural differences probably have a lot to do with your arguments, but you should really just listen to your OWN gut feeling. You know what's best for yourself...
Anyway, I'm back in re-evaluation mode so that's what I'm going to discuss today. So, the blowout happened because I ignored Andréa. This is a thing I do often when I'm annoyed. It's my coping mechanism because when something is bothering me I want to avoid saying things I will regret so I just don't say anything at all. To Andréa, me being annoyed is one of the most awful things in the world. I really don't understand why because he gets annoyed too and all I do with him is tell him to "chill" and it's over. Being annoyed to me is like an itch you can't scratch, it's frustrating and bothersome, but it's not the end of the world and it typically goes away before you remember it existed. So the fact that he can't allow me to be annoyed is a big deal. I mean, not everything is always going to be hunky-dory and if the worst thing I'm doing to you is ignoring you then you should re-evaluate your priorities and think about what really matters in this world. I can kind of understand why it would bother him because he likes attention but seriously, it doesn't even resemble an issue worth recognizing. So I'm not talking to you for the moment. Get over it. I still love you.
Andréa told me in the car yesterday that he wanted me to give him as much as he gives me. I feel like I give, a lot! I really don't understand what else he needs from me. I mean, I showed up to his birthday dinner with a full-on flu. I didn't really enjoy anything because the body aches were so horrible but he was happy and that's all that mattered to me at the time. As for minor things, I drove to Marseille AT LEAST three times a week and would basically watch him sleep because he'd be so tired from work. And I would've been okay with staying in Aix, but his proclamation that he wanted to spend every day with me before I went back to the states really just stuck with me, especially because he said he meant it. What else do I feel like I've sacrificed for him? I've left on multiple weekends when all 6 of the kids would be at my house just to be with him. My host parents were always so cool with me taking the weekend off with him but honestly, I love those children and I would miss them. Not only that, but I wouldn't want to leave the responsibility of all 6 kids to Céline and Didier. Next, I spent a fortune on his birthday gifts even though I get paid jack shit as a nanny but I did it because I knew he would enjoy them. His comment in the car about him spending so much money on gas and not being rich really perturbed me because this relationship isn't about money. What about me spending all of my pay on gas the previous months? I never complained about that and I even ended up using my savings because of it. At his request, I was always at his side when he wanted me to be. I never even looked at another guy when I was with him. He was the only one that ever mattered to me. I was a very loving girlfriend on top of that. I kissed him all the time, told him that I loved him, and that I couldn't wait to grow old with him. How endearing is that? Especially coming from me who is relatively unemotional on the exterior. Ask my exes how loving I was toward them. I dated Matt Brydge in the same amount of time and he got NO love. I'm sorry Andréa feels like I don't give enough but I'm a nanny and taking care of 4 kids on the regular and a humongous house is very demanding. I can't give him 100% all the time. Kami says "if you don't know what he gives you he is clearly giving you what HE WOULD need not what you actually need. True love is finding out what the other person's love language is and sacrificing simply because you love them, not because you need that same thing back." And for me, I did everything because I love him, not because I expected anything out of it. To me, it just feels good to give and to make someone else feel good.
A lot of your messages have said things like 'there seems to be something else going on in his life and he doesn't need a girlfriend right now.' I think that's true. But isn't part of being in a relationship the ability to talk about things that really matter? Isn't that a perk of having a girlfriend or a boyfriend? Talking to someone that will at least try to understand you and help you? I think so. But the thing about the two of us is that even though he was my partner, we didn't have a partnership. We weren't a team. And we didn't see eye-to-eye. I think we were both guilty of the cause of that. I wouldn't know how we could change that because our personalities are so different.
I used to feel like we wanted exactly the same things in our life, and maybe we still do, but we both have different ideas of how to get there. I agree with him that it's okay to fight because it helps you get to know each other better, but I don't agree about what we're fighting over. I also don't want him screaming at me or throwing stuff around. I know he's not hitting me, but it's still violent behavior and since I'm always thinking to the future, I would NEVER want our children to see that. It leaves a mark. And I say that from personal experience. I think I just piss him off sometimes, he pisses me off too, but we handle it differently. He says I should learn to control myself because I get annoyed by everything, but me not speaking or ignoring him IS me controlling myself. I can't help the fact that certain things annoy me, but I can certainly control how I choose to handle it, and I do. He, on the other hand, lets things go until they build up and he explodes. That doesn't seem like anger management or self-control to me. He says it's immature of me to ignore him, but how mature is it to throw stuff around? I get annoyed, I bitch about it or say nothing at all, then I forget about it. End of story. I don't have to throw anything, I don't yell, and I don't slam doors. I just give you the silent treatment until I've re-composed myself.
My host parents aren't at all surprised about what happened. The general consensus is that Andréa is an extremely kind and respectful gentleman but that our personalities just didn't click. Didier says that Andréa has always been timid around the family--even after knowing them and seeing them regularly for three months. He says that when people are that shy, they're normally hiding something they don't want other people to see. Whereas, I, a semi-loud outgoing American show people all of my obnoxious traits and allow them to decide whether they want to stick around or not. And it's true! My host dad knows me well. I believe that's it's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for someone you're not. Didier also thinks that it's the shy ones are the most likely to blow up, because they're constantly internalizing everything. I do see that in Andréa. Céline confessed last night that she never thought it would work between Andréa and I. Mentioning that he never started any conversations or when she asked him to show her the pictures from Spain, she'd ask about certain locations and he'd give one-word answers. Fine, so he's uninteresting. But the thing she said about the two of us that really made me realize she was right was our ability to adapt to new situations. She said that I'm always traveling and immersing myself in different cultures--and when she said different cultures she didn't mean going from the U.S. to another primarily caucasian country like France. She was talking about countries with completely different cultural foundations like Morocco or southeast Asia--and I see that, but I also grew up with that tendency. It's true that I have strength in self-adaptation though. I mean, I went to college 10 hours from my hometown without knowing anyone and I moved all the way to France without knowing anyone or having a place to live. I love these challenges but things like that stress Andréa out. I feel like if he actually moved to the states with me, he'd have a total meltdown even if he had a job lined up.
I know I said I was done with the relationship but I can't help but miss him. I know it's only day 2 but I can't stop myself. I still love him. It's not difficult to find someone to love you by any means. It's not even hard to find someone that will do anything for you. What's difficult for me, is finding someone I CAN LOVE BACK. I know that I am still young yet, but the last time I was in love was 4 years ago. I keep thinking back to this quote by Shannon L. Alder. I was given her book when I was a member of the LDS church. She says:
“If he can't handle you at your worst then he does not deserve you at your best.
Real love means seeing beyond the words spoken out of pain
and instead seeing a person's soul.”
I feel like that goes for me too. That I should be able to see beyond Monday and that there's a real possibility that Andréa will never react like that again. That we can love each other and have babies and live happily ever after. Can't we? There's a voice inside of my head that's saying yes, but then there's another one fighting it and telling me not to ask questions. I'm not sure which one is the voice of reason. Maybe I have a dissociative personality disorder, ha haha.
I was asked today whether or not I would say 'no' if Andréa asked me to come back. And honestly, I don't know. I still love him no matter what has happened. And though I was sure yesterday, I can't say the same thing today. I'm sure like a divorce, you don't decide overnight that you're going to break up or stay broken up. Everything is a work in progress and it all depends on the cards being played and each person's determination. In order for this relationship or any relationship to work though, we have to be a team, and fix the problems together. You can't just tell someone "Hey, you're doing that wrong. Fix it yourself"--not if you really care about them. I really hate this flip-flopping thing. I should really stick with my decision but my inner peace is gone. It's not everyday that you experience love like this, and though some situations seem like big problems, they might not be. Everything is relative. But in this world, love is important and it has to be appreciated no matter what has passed. I'm a strong woman, but I'm not made of stone. I still have feelings. I'm a firm believer of destiny so if there are signs that bring me back to him, then I'll follow because "fata viam invenient"--'fate will find the way."
I wish I could have monumental advice for you, but like you said in your last post, every relationship is different. I see SOO much of myself and Vince's relationship in this post, it's pretty crazy! To see where me & V started is just like you & Andre's start. But, to see where we are now, which is past petty drama and bullshit (granted, it took a long time coming and the breaks were certainly in there!) Now I couldn't imagine staying broken up with him. Now, I finally have the relationship I always wanted. The one where you DON'T fight with someone (I suppose fights are there, but very very very irregularly, thank goodness and the fights that are there are workable and never blow up now!) and I think a lot of it was actually ME growing up (even though I always said it was him) and me realizing where my faults were and not allowing stupid things to upset me.
ReplyDeleteBut, like I said, every relationship is different and every relationship goes through different challenges. Really sort out your feelings and see if the relationship is worth the work to you or not. If it's not, then you're better off, if it is, work on it. It doesn't mean you're weak if you do and it doesn't mean you're weak if you don't. Forever love doesn't come around too often, that's for sure. Do what's best for you & your life only! Only you can make the tough decision!
I thought about you two a lot while we were fighting and how you and Vince have been through so much together--shit included, and how you've made it. And now you're going to be a mom and nothing cements a relationship like that. I still wonder whether or not we should be together even if we're both willing to put in the work. Even if we both think the relationship is worth it, should we? I don't want this to be a trial and error sort of thing but I don't know how else to approach it. Andréa and I are so basically polar opposites, and yes, there's cultural differences has something to do with it, but it's more just our personalities and the way we were raised differently.
ReplyDelete