I got a lot of sleep last night after a lot of self-reflection. The first thing I did this morning was take the flowers Andréa had given me for Valentine's Day and throw them in the trash can. After I took Gregoire to the crêche, I came home and put all of Andréa's things in a box and drove to the nearest trash receptacle and made sure I threw his things in the most disgusting one I could find. I purposefully got rid of everything in the house that would remind me of him. I even threw away the box of fireworks he bought us in Spain. When I returned home I got on Skype and deleted him from my contacts so that he can't see when I'm online and blocked his e-mail address from all of my e-mail accounts. I tried to block my blog from being read by anyone in France but when I looked at my statistics and saw that more than 60 different IP addresses from France were visiting every week, I couldn't. I went as far as making my Instagram account private. I don't want him, his family, or friends to be able to find any information on me. As far as I'm concerned, I never existed in his life. I deleted all of his text messages, logs of his calls, and his contact info on my phone so I won't be tempted to call or message him--not that I would be but this is just a security measure. It took me forever but I went through both of my phones and my computer to delete all the pictures of him, taken by him, or that would remind me of him in anyway. The only things that are left are the pictures on this blog. To me, it's a distant memory. The best thing I did was deactivate my Facebook account because my entire life is basically on there. This deactivation tradition is coming about 5 months too early, but I'll just skip it in the fall. This isn't a sign or some sort of inadvertent symbol. I really am just done with this relationship.
Sure, Andréa was one of the greatest loves of my life and I wanted to marry him and have his babies, but just because you feel that way doesn't mean that it's right for either one of you. Once the honeymoon stage was over and we got comfortable enough to speak our minds, we just fought. I never hid anything from him, I told him that I got annoyed about certain things and that I have no tolerance for it. If it's not a necessary evil then I won't accept it in my life. Why would I have to? He, however, didn't show himself in his entirety. Seeing his temper in its true form yesterday really frightened me. I've already seen tempers like that and I don't want to stay with him in case it would escalate. I'm not saying that it would, but I wouldn't want to stick around to find out. I have a permanent notch on my head from the last time I was hopeful. If he had such a violent reaction just because I ignored him, then imagine what could happen if I did something that actually warranted some anger. I don't ever want to know!
The two of us have been fighting too much for my liking, and I'm sure for his too. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I fight with all the time no matter how much I love them. It's just not healthy. I broke up with him on his birthday last week due to an argument where he tried to treat me the way that he felt like I treated him. I can't stand people who think they can get away with more shit just because it's their birthday. It's not an excuse for you to be a dick. I'm really too old to be playing games anyway. If you're upset with a certain way I conduct myself then tell me when I'm doing it and let me know that you're upset. I don't understand why he couldn't just be up-front with me. I must've broken up with him four times already and we had only been together for a little over three months. The logic in my mind is that if we're having this much trouble in the beginning then it's better to break it off before you fall deeper into the relationship. Every time Andréa begged me to come back I was always ready to go back. I thought that we could change the bad elements in the relationship, and I think we both tried, but it just didn't work. You can change your direction overnight, but you can't change your destination in the same amount of time. It takes patience--which neither one of us have. When you love someone this much you always want the relationship to go back to what it was, but when both parties have changed, you just can't. It's like I said before, relationships change because people change, and I just don't love Andréa the same way that I used to. You can't undo the things that you have done to each other. You can forgive, but you'll never forget. Just like when you get physically hurt, emotional pain also leaves scars.
I also can't deny the fact that his mom has made innuendos that I've made life more complicated for him. She was always talking about how she didn't want him to lose his job if it didn't work out for him overseas and how she wanted him to stay in France. Well, I'm sorry that he fell in love with me but I never asked him to move to America with me. I even explained how difficult that it would be for him to obtain a visa in the states without being a student. I haven't encouraged him to move with me in any way. He's a big boy and he made his own decision but now that we're done, he'll have to find another way to use all of the english learning programs he got for his birthday. Honestly, that's a huge weight off of my shoulders because now I can stop looking for jobs for him online. Not only that, but the research on the entire visa process for him was extremely tedious.
One of the things Andréa yelled at me about was that he's always going out of his way for me and doing this or that, but I never ask him to do any of it. He complained about having driven to Marseille and Aix and back four times over the weekend. When I told him I didn't ask him to, he replied with 'I do it so you save money on gas. And if I don't pick you up then we'll never see each other.' That's not true, because I basically drive to Marseille 3 days a week just to nap with him. I should've known when he told me about his fall out with his best friends that he would eventually use the same argument against me. His claim is that he always showed up when Benjamin or Nicolas needed him and would have given them the shirt off of his back if they had asked, but that they took him for granted and he was tired of being taken advantage of. Well, my dear. This sounds like a repetitive problem. When I give, it's because I want to, not because I expect anything back. I feel like he should adopt that mentality as well.
The last comment Andréa made to me last night was that I was 'fleeing' from the situation. He always says this when I break up with him or when I don't want to talk about something. But he broke up with me this time and I agree with him. I'm not fleeing. I just understand it's finished and I know when to stop. And it's finished because I understand things can't go back to the way they were, and I wouldn't want them to. I'm no longer upset. I'm surprised but I feel extremely calm and relieved. I hope this isn't shock because if this somehow turns into me being depressed then that would be a super bummer. But I don't feel like my feelings will change. If you gather all of the issues people have in the world, you would take yours back. If my biggest issue is being alone, then I am content with that. I never seek out relationships. I think I'm one of the few people that can do it.
I wish him luck with whatever he does, but I'm sure he'll be happy no matter what. The reality of the situation is that I don't make him happy and I love him, so of course I want him to be happy--even if it means not being with me. It's time for a new chapter in my life and in his. A time for new beginnings and happy endings...Let's begin ;-)
Sure, Andréa was one of the greatest loves of my life and I wanted to marry him and have his babies, but just because you feel that way doesn't mean that it's right for either one of you. Once the honeymoon stage was over and we got comfortable enough to speak our minds, we just fought. I never hid anything from him, I told him that I got annoyed about certain things and that I have no tolerance for it. If it's not a necessary evil then I won't accept it in my life. Why would I have to? He, however, didn't show himself in his entirety. Seeing his temper in its true form yesterday really frightened me. I've already seen tempers like that and I don't want to stay with him in case it would escalate. I'm not saying that it would, but I wouldn't want to stick around to find out. I have a permanent notch on my head from the last time I was hopeful. If he had such a violent reaction just because I ignored him, then imagine what could happen if I did something that actually warranted some anger. I don't ever want to know!
The two of us have been fighting too much for my liking, and I'm sure for his too. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I fight with all the time no matter how much I love them. It's just not healthy. I broke up with him on his birthday last week due to an argument where he tried to treat me the way that he felt like I treated him. I can't stand people who think they can get away with more shit just because it's their birthday. It's not an excuse for you to be a dick. I'm really too old to be playing games anyway. If you're upset with a certain way I conduct myself then tell me when I'm doing it and let me know that you're upset. I don't understand why he couldn't just be up-front with me. I must've broken up with him four times already and we had only been together for a little over three months. The logic in my mind is that if we're having this much trouble in the beginning then it's better to break it off before you fall deeper into the relationship. Every time Andréa begged me to come back I was always ready to go back. I thought that we could change the bad elements in the relationship, and I think we both tried, but it just didn't work. You can change your direction overnight, but you can't change your destination in the same amount of time. It takes patience--which neither one of us have. When you love someone this much you always want the relationship to go back to what it was, but when both parties have changed, you just can't. It's like I said before, relationships change because people change, and I just don't love Andréa the same way that I used to. You can't undo the things that you have done to each other. You can forgive, but you'll never forget. Just like when you get physically hurt, emotional pain also leaves scars.
I also can't deny the fact that his mom has made innuendos that I've made life more complicated for him. She was always talking about how she didn't want him to lose his job if it didn't work out for him overseas and how she wanted him to stay in France. Well, I'm sorry that he fell in love with me but I never asked him to move to America with me. I even explained how difficult that it would be for him to obtain a visa in the states without being a student. I haven't encouraged him to move with me in any way. He's a big boy and he made his own decision but now that we're done, he'll have to find another way to use all of the english learning programs he got for his birthday. Honestly, that's a huge weight off of my shoulders because now I can stop looking for jobs for him online. Not only that, but the research on the entire visa process for him was extremely tedious.
One of the things Andréa yelled at me about was that he's always going out of his way for me and doing this or that, but I never ask him to do any of it. He complained about having driven to Marseille and Aix and back four times over the weekend. When I told him I didn't ask him to, he replied with 'I do it so you save money on gas. And if I don't pick you up then we'll never see each other.' That's not true, because I basically drive to Marseille 3 days a week just to nap with him. I should've known when he told me about his fall out with his best friends that he would eventually use the same argument against me. His claim is that he always showed up when Benjamin or Nicolas needed him and would have given them the shirt off of his back if they had asked, but that they took him for granted and he was tired of being taken advantage of. Well, my dear. This sounds like a repetitive problem. When I give, it's because I want to, not because I expect anything back. I feel like he should adopt that mentality as well.
The last comment Andréa made to me last night was that I was 'fleeing' from the situation. He always says this when I break up with him or when I don't want to talk about something. But he broke up with me this time and I agree with him. I'm not fleeing. I just understand it's finished and I know when to stop. And it's finished because I understand things can't go back to the way they were, and I wouldn't want them to. I'm no longer upset. I'm surprised but I feel extremely calm and relieved. I hope this isn't shock because if this somehow turns into me being depressed then that would be a super bummer. But I don't feel like my feelings will change. If you gather all of the issues people have in the world, you would take yours back. If my biggest issue is being alone, then I am content with that. I never seek out relationships. I think I'm one of the few people that can do it.
I wish him luck with whatever he does, but I'm sure he'll be happy no matter what. The reality of the situation is that I don't make him happy and I love him, so of course I want him to be happy--even if it means not being with me. It's time for a new chapter in my life and in his. A time for new beginnings and happy endings...Let's begin ;-)
Aww this post made me want to cry... But, I agree with everything! Sometimes even if you love someone, it doesn't mean you're right for that person! I'm glad that you are doing okay and reflecting is good because now you can see the types of things you do/do not like about someones personality and be smarter the next time when picking the new guy (who you know will be busting down your door soon Ms. Popular!) Here's to new beginnings Melly Belly!
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