Though I began missing Andréa yesterday, I was still avoiding him. And then that dreadful letter about my rabbit dying. FML. Andréa texted me last night and I couldn't resist replying. I was weak...I was watching another episode of Real Housewives where the Beverly Hills crew was in Paris. There was a sequence where Kyle and Mauricio visited a lovers' bridge over the Seine. Couples attach locks on the rungs of the bridge and throw away the key as a symbol of their unbreakable relationship. Andréa and I visited a similar bridge in Spain, bought a lock, and completely forgot to do it. That thought in addition to the guilt of not being there when my bunny died put me in a really dark place.
Andréa and I had a discussion about what was going on between us, what we need to change, etc. He says that I'm his pillar and that I'm helping him grow up. I think that's great, but I hope that he's doing it for himself, and not anyone else. I don't want anyone to change for me. I think that when you find your soul mate, that person was already made for you. I'm on the fence about whether or not we actually belong together. There's a difference between couples that love each other and couples that are just meant to be with one another. I don't want a Notebook type of relationship where they're always bickering and breaking up--no matter how deep in love I am. I'm more interested in the low-key relationship where you're content, there are no problems, and you're happy to be with each other. Yes, I enjoy that punch drunk type of love but you can't have it all the time. I told Andréa that I still needed time to mull over the facets of our relationship. I know that I missed him before I got that letter about Simba, but I still want to make sure that my mind isn't playing tricks on me, and that I'm not giving in just because I'm in a feeble state. I know that I love him and that I want to be with him--but this is not a 'no matter what' type of situation. There are certain factors that will make me run--Monday's events being one of them. I'm a planner. I'm always thinking to the future. And I have to be sure that we're not going to have these emotional eruptions in the years to come. I'm thinking about the health of our relationship, my sanity, and our unborn children. I would never want them to see what I saw. There's also a difference between controlling your anger and hiding it as well. Andréa's parents fought in front of him and my parents tried to hide it. I think it's all the same. I want to have a real, happy relationship with my husband--whoever he will be, and set an example for my kids. Love should be appreciated.
Moving on.
I feel like absolute crap! Yesterday sucked but today is worse, so much worse. I've only gotten out of bed to take Gregoire to the crêche. As soon as I got home I just climbed into bed and cried. It's been on and off for the past two hours. I'm okay enough to write so I'm gonna try to get this out of my system and hopefully I won't be so depressed. It's just the whole Simba situation. People keep saying "I'm sorry about Simba, but he was just an animal." Clearly, you've never had a rabbit. These creatures have SO MUCH personality, especially the larger breeds. They're honestly like dogs. And you can never understand the relationship you can have with them until you get one. I was SO IN LOVE. When I move back to the states, I won't have anyone to wait for me at my door when I get home from work. I won't have to make midnight trips to Wal-Mart to buy vegetables for surprise snacks. There won't be anyone binkying around my room when I play music. Who am I going to cuddle with when I go to bed? Definitely not my sugar glider or my snake. Sure, my ball python lays on my chest when I nap but it's so different. Rabbits are just so soft and they always smell so good. It's also more fulfilling to have a 20lb furry animal lie against you, they keep you warm. Yuri just takes all of my heat.
I don't know if Simba died a painful death or not but the fact of the matter is that I wasn't there to hold him when it happened. I haven't seen him since September of 2012 so I wonder if he thought I forgot about him. He knows his mama. And though I'm sure that he loved his new family, I wonder if he ever thought about me, and if he resented me for not being there. I'm so sad that I wasn't able to say goodbye. I don't even know when he died. I wonder if I felt off at that moment, like when a twin can feel their sibling in pain. He was my child. I should've known or realized something was wrong. I wonder if he would've gotten sick if I would've brought him to France with me. Maybe he would still be alive today if I didn't put him under the stress of changing homes. It would've just cost me $75 to fly him over here with me and a month of quarantine. I just assumed that he'd be more comfortable without dealing with the stress of a 12 hour flight.
NOW I have regrets. I just feel like I've had a complete meltdown. I can't bring myself to get back out of bed. And I can't find the motivation to get up and open my shutters. I feel completely trapped. I have zero appetite and my host dad keeps trying to get me to eat. I forced myself to eat some lunch. Didier made boeuf bourgignon--it was delicious of course but you can't really enjoy food when you're upset. He even brought an already peeled grapefruit to my room for dessert. He never does this so he must be worried. I've gotta try to act more normal but I just feel sick even when I look at food. When Simba's sister died I lost 13lbs from being so depressed. I didn't eat for a week. But her death was much more traumatic. I was there. She had had a seizure due to a blood clot from her spay procedure. I was in bed when she started screaming. Rabbits do NOT scream or make any noise unless they are afraid or in extreme pain. Nala woke the entire house up as she cried out. My brother ran out of his room as I picked her up and all of a sudden she went limp in my arms and her orifices turned blue. I DIED. My brother raced me in his supercharged car to the vet but it was too late. She was gone. I raised Hell in the vet's office cursing at him and slapping him with a lawsuit.
The day that I buried Nala was the worst day of my entire life. That was the day that I learned how to dig a grave. There's no loss more painful than losing your 'child.' You're in denial about them really being dead. And for me, I kind of went insane. I researched intensely for a week on ways to 'resurrect' her knowing that my endeavors would be fruitless. I looked up everything including magic rituals to bring back the dead or physicist theories about time machines to undo the sterilization surgery. I had completely lost it! But I don't even get to bury Simba. Someone else has done that for me. And that thought will torment me forever. I don't feel nearly as crazy this time but I know that I'm depressed. I can't even imagine what it would be like for someone to have a death in the family while traveling. My poor friend Caroline had to fly from France to California a few weeks ago because her grandmother died. I can't even fathom...
I feel so selfish that I opted to live in France this year and leave my babies with strangers. I'm always in pursuit of my next adventure. Maybe I'm really not cut out to be a mom...
Anyway, Krystle had me take a Valium tonight and fed me. I feel somewhat normal but tomorrow is another story...
Andréa and I had a discussion about what was going on between us, what we need to change, etc. He says that I'm his pillar and that I'm helping him grow up. I think that's great, but I hope that he's doing it for himself, and not anyone else. I don't want anyone to change for me. I think that when you find your soul mate, that person was already made for you. I'm on the fence about whether or not we actually belong together. There's a difference between couples that love each other and couples that are just meant to be with one another. I don't want a Notebook type of relationship where they're always bickering and breaking up--no matter how deep in love I am. I'm more interested in the low-key relationship where you're content, there are no problems, and you're happy to be with each other. Yes, I enjoy that punch drunk type of love but you can't have it all the time. I told Andréa that I still needed time to mull over the facets of our relationship. I know that I missed him before I got that letter about Simba, but I still want to make sure that my mind isn't playing tricks on me, and that I'm not giving in just because I'm in a feeble state. I know that I love him and that I want to be with him--but this is not a 'no matter what' type of situation. There are certain factors that will make me run--Monday's events being one of them. I'm a planner. I'm always thinking to the future. And I have to be sure that we're not going to have these emotional eruptions in the years to come. I'm thinking about the health of our relationship, my sanity, and our unborn children. I would never want them to see what I saw. There's also a difference between controlling your anger and hiding it as well. Andréa's parents fought in front of him and my parents tried to hide it. I think it's all the same. I want to have a real, happy relationship with my husband--whoever he will be, and set an example for my kids. Love should be appreciated.
Moving on.
I feel like absolute crap! Yesterday sucked but today is worse, so much worse. I've only gotten out of bed to take Gregoire to the crêche. As soon as I got home I just climbed into bed and cried. It's been on and off for the past two hours. I'm okay enough to write so I'm gonna try to get this out of my system and hopefully I won't be so depressed. It's just the whole Simba situation. People keep saying "I'm sorry about Simba, but he was just an animal." Clearly, you've never had a rabbit. These creatures have SO MUCH personality, especially the larger breeds. They're honestly like dogs. And you can never understand the relationship you can have with them until you get one. I was SO IN LOVE. When I move back to the states, I won't have anyone to wait for me at my door when I get home from work. I won't have to make midnight trips to Wal-Mart to buy vegetables for surprise snacks. There won't be anyone binkying around my room when I play music. Who am I going to cuddle with when I go to bed? Definitely not my sugar glider or my snake. Sure, my ball python lays on my chest when I nap but it's so different. Rabbits are just so soft and they always smell so good. It's also more fulfilling to have a 20lb furry animal lie against you, they keep you warm. Yuri just takes all of my heat.
I don't know if Simba died a painful death or not but the fact of the matter is that I wasn't there to hold him when it happened. I haven't seen him since September of 2012 so I wonder if he thought I forgot about him. He knows his mama. And though I'm sure that he loved his new family, I wonder if he ever thought about me, and if he resented me for not being there. I'm so sad that I wasn't able to say goodbye. I don't even know when he died. I wonder if I felt off at that moment, like when a twin can feel their sibling in pain. He was my child. I should've known or realized something was wrong. I wonder if he would've gotten sick if I would've brought him to France with me. Maybe he would still be alive today if I didn't put him under the stress of changing homes. It would've just cost me $75 to fly him over here with me and a month of quarantine. I just assumed that he'd be more comfortable without dealing with the stress of a 12 hour flight.
NOW I have regrets. I just feel like I've had a complete meltdown. I can't bring myself to get back out of bed. And I can't find the motivation to get up and open my shutters. I feel completely trapped. I have zero appetite and my host dad keeps trying to get me to eat. I forced myself to eat some lunch. Didier made boeuf bourgignon--it was delicious of course but you can't really enjoy food when you're upset. He even brought an already peeled grapefruit to my room for dessert. He never does this so he must be worried. I've gotta try to act more normal but I just feel sick even when I look at food. When Simba's sister died I lost 13lbs from being so depressed. I didn't eat for a week. But her death was much more traumatic. I was there. She had had a seizure due to a blood clot from her spay procedure. I was in bed when she started screaming. Rabbits do NOT scream or make any noise unless they are afraid or in extreme pain. Nala woke the entire house up as she cried out. My brother ran out of his room as I picked her up and all of a sudden she went limp in my arms and her orifices turned blue. I DIED. My brother raced me in his supercharged car to the vet but it was too late. She was gone. I raised Hell in the vet's office cursing at him and slapping him with a lawsuit.
The day that I buried Nala was the worst day of my entire life. That was the day that I learned how to dig a grave. There's no loss more painful than losing your 'child.' You're in denial about them really being dead. And for me, I kind of went insane. I researched intensely for a week on ways to 'resurrect' her knowing that my endeavors would be fruitless. I looked up everything including magic rituals to bring back the dead or physicist theories about time machines to undo the sterilization surgery. I had completely lost it! But I don't even get to bury Simba. Someone else has done that for me. And that thought will torment me forever. I don't feel nearly as crazy this time but I know that I'm depressed. I can't even imagine what it would be like for someone to have a death in the family while traveling. My poor friend Caroline had to fly from France to California a few weeks ago because her grandmother died. I can't even fathom...
I feel so selfish that I opted to live in France this year and leave my babies with strangers. I'm always in pursuit of my next adventure. Maybe I'm really not cut out to be a mom...
Anyway, Krystle had me take a Valium tonight and fed me. I feel somewhat normal but tomorrow is another story...
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