I had spent all of Sunday kind of in a daze. I was thinking of Andréa of course because I had nothing else to distract me. Being at the vacation home last week was really a blessing because I was too busy to think about relationship problems. And though I was back in Aix yesterday, I had my friends to keep me focused on other things. I'm the type of person that can't stand it when people are mad at me. Ask any of my friends...I sent Andréa a text last night on his work phone. I had deleted his personal cell number as usual so the work cell was the only way I could communicate my concerns to him. I knew he wouldn't see the message until he started work so I waited patiently for a reply, because I knew that he couldn't ignore me. I told him I was sorry I was harsh and that I hoped he could be my friend. He's been such a big part of my experience in France that I can't just drop him. I'd rather see him with another girl than not see him at all.
I'm kind of jealous of the relationship Andréa has with his best friend Manon. She can say the meanest things to him and he just does not care. But if I make any comment that is the least bit critical, he completely flips his lid! I understand that my opinion would mean more to him because I was his girlfriend but his reactions were not a good response. I honestly have no idea why Andréa and Manon have never dated. They're exactly alike personality wise. But I also understand that once someone is your friend, they will always just be your friend. I feel like Andréa and I were never meant to date though. I love him, but our personalities clash. We're only a few years apart but a lot happens in your 20's that change you overall. If only I knew what I know now at his age...I would've chosen a lot of different paths.
Andréa wrote back around 4h00 like I knew he would. The text woke me up and I read it but I decided not to reply until later on when I was properly awake. His reply was in english. It said "I don't know what to think now. I have a knife in my heart." I don't know why, but the message made me laugh out loud. Maybe because of how dramatic it was. Boy, when Andréa feels, HE FEELS EVERYTHING. He said that maybe we could be friends one day but that he doesn't have any heart left to give to anyone else and that he had given me all of it. He also mentioned something about being an asshole from now on so that he won't feel pain. I couldn't stop laughing at this point and so I wrote back and told him that he should just stop while he's ahead and that he'll find someone that truly makes him happy someday. He then told me that he waited 6 years for me to come along and that he will never find anyone better than me. I thought that was cute at first, but then I remembered all of the horrible things he said to me, about me.
We went on chatting and I told him the future wasn't as bleak as it seemed. Andréa has a way with his words. No matter how indifferent I am, he can always make me feel as sad as he is. He randomly sent a text saying that he would accept my old proposition to be friends with benefits. I had told him I wanted this after the last big blow up. I thought it would be a solution to all of our fighting because if you don't feel like you're entitled to each other, you don't have the right to get mad about anything. I've never done it before, but I was sure that Andréa wouldn't last. He's too territorial. I can be too, but I can shut off my emotions. I've had lots of years of practice with all of the boyfriends and my abusive mom. Being friends with benefits seemed like it would work. That was the optimist lurking inside me. I'm not the type of girl to just change partners though--without extended time between so I thought our relationship would change to a relationship of convenience of sorts. Sex is good for your brain. Anyone who tells you any different is not getting laid. There's even research to support it. Google it!
When I agreed to be friends with benefits, I knew I had lit a new fire inside of Andréa. He wanted to start right away so a couple of hours later, I was on my way to Marseille. I told myself that no matter how much Andréa would plead with me, that I had to fight the urge to try to go back to the relationship. We're just simply not meant to be. And once I get an idea into my head, it's set. There's no turning back. When Andréa told me the relationship was over last week, it was totally over for me. You don't have to tell me anything twice. If you say it's done, then it's done. I don't try to change your mind, I just accept it. As a result, I come up with all of the reasons why you're right until I'm able to justify what happened. It's not a game and I don't have to believe it, because it's already true.
I arrived at Andréa's and it was extremely weird, as I knew it would be. He had that sad puppy dog look about him and I tried to uphold my composed demeanor. I gave him a hug and sat down on the couch. He sat down next to me, without looking at me. I tried to be 'friendly' and ask him about life for the past week. Everytime we made eye contact though, he would look away. It didn't bother me at all to look him in the eyes, but for him it was difficult. I could see that his eyes were red but I didn't know what from. I found out soon after that he learned about Mathieu--just minutes before I got to his apartment. Tears started pouring out of his eyes and he went to the freezer for a bottle of whiskey, which he chugged. Behavior like this really bothers me so I tried to calm him down and keep the bottle out of his reach without having to tell him not to touch it. I figured hooking up would get his mind off of things for awhile so...yep. It didn't feel nonchalant. It felt like make-up sex. [I'm sure my brother is horrified if he's reading this, but we're not children anymore ;-)]
The two of us talked. Andréa cried on and off. He also drank as much as he could without me yelling at him. I really hated seeing him like that but I had to stay cool and collected. "No relapses". I tried to re-assure him that everything would be alright. I promised him that he would meet someone perfect for him someday. He dismissed it all, but I know he's just living in the moment right now and the pain is just too fresh to be able to look ahead.
When it came time for me to leave, Andréa begged me to stay but I had to go back to Aix to pick up Greg. He made me promise to come back afterward and when my host mom gave me the 'okay,' I promised. I'm sure my host family is getting weary of all of the break ups and disputes with Andréa. I would give them less information if I could but they always know when something's wrong with me. Plus, I can't lie. Céline and Didier never thought Andréa was right for me, personally. They like him, but not for me. They see me everyday so they know me pretty well. They also know my family history in its entirety so they're able to judge from that as well.
I talked to Mathieu while I was waiting for maman to get home from work. I told him that it'd be better if we just remained friends because it's too late for me to get involved with someone else. He agreed, though he had his own reasoning. Mathieu's a pretty smart guy though. He knew that Andréa had something to do with my recent decision-making. He simply said that he understood and that he would like to continue to hang out. I don't see any problem with this since Andréa and I are just "friends" and Mathieu and I aren't dating anyway. Mathieu is likeable, that's for sure. But I'm also sure the butterflies I felt were false. They were the nervous butterflies you get when something new and interesting comes along, not when you're falling in love. I tried to tell Andréa this when he upset himself again later on.
Andréa was more calm the second time I arrived and he didn't wreak of alcohol. He asked as many questions as he could without prying or being too nosy. I could tell he was jealous and hurt but I didn't want to be "girlfriend Melinda" and concern myself too much because we weren't a couple. As much as I say that, we still did things couples would do. I'm still trying to take the relation out of the relationship, but I'm still trying to figure out how that works. I'm constantly reminding myself that he's not my boyfriend and all of the guys blowing up my phone are helping. I'm just trying to be neutral.
I'm kind of jealous of the relationship Andréa has with his best friend Manon. She can say the meanest things to him and he just does not care. But if I make any comment that is the least bit critical, he completely flips his lid! I understand that my opinion would mean more to him because I was his girlfriend but his reactions were not a good response. I honestly have no idea why Andréa and Manon have never dated. They're exactly alike personality wise. But I also understand that once someone is your friend, they will always just be your friend. I feel like Andréa and I were never meant to date though. I love him, but our personalities clash. We're only a few years apart but a lot happens in your 20's that change you overall. If only I knew what I know now at his age...I would've chosen a lot of different paths.
Andréa wrote back around 4h00 like I knew he would. The text woke me up and I read it but I decided not to reply until later on when I was properly awake. His reply was in english. It said "I don't know what to think now. I have a knife in my heart." I don't know why, but the message made me laugh out loud. Maybe because of how dramatic it was. Boy, when Andréa feels, HE FEELS EVERYTHING. He said that maybe we could be friends one day but that he doesn't have any heart left to give to anyone else and that he had given me all of it. He also mentioned something about being an asshole from now on so that he won't feel pain. I couldn't stop laughing at this point and so I wrote back and told him that he should just stop while he's ahead and that he'll find someone that truly makes him happy someday. He then told me that he waited 6 years for me to come along and that he will never find anyone better than me. I thought that was cute at first, but then I remembered all of the horrible things he said to me, about me.
We went on chatting and I told him the future wasn't as bleak as it seemed. Andréa has a way with his words. No matter how indifferent I am, he can always make me feel as sad as he is. He randomly sent a text saying that he would accept my old proposition to be friends with benefits. I had told him I wanted this after the last big blow up. I thought it would be a solution to all of our fighting because if you don't feel like you're entitled to each other, you don't have the right to get mad about anything. I've never done it before, but I was sure that Andréa wouldn't last. He's too territorial. I can be too, but I can shut off my emotions. I've had lots of years of practice with all of the boyfriends and my abusive mom. Being friends with benefits seemed like it would work. That was the optimist lurking inside me. I'm not the type of girl to just change partners though--without extended time between so I thought our relationship would change to a relationship of convenience of sorts. Sex is good for your brain. Anyone who tells you any different is not getting laid. There's even research to support it. Google it!
When I agreed to be friends with benefits, I knew I had lit a new fire inside of Andréa. He wanted to start right away so a couple of hours later, I was on my way to Marseille. I told myself that no matter how much Andréa would plead with me, that I had to fight the urge to try to go back to the relationship. We're just simply not meant to be. And once I get an idea into my head, it's set. There's no turning back. When Andréa told me the relationship was over last week, it was totally over for me. You don't have to tell me anything twice. If you say it's done, then it's done. I don't try to change your mind, I just accept it. As a result, I come up with all of the reasons why you're right until I'm able to justify what happened. It's not a game and I don't have to believe it, because it's already true.
I arrived at Andréa's and it was extremely weird, as I knew it would be. He had that sad puppy dog look about him and I tried to uphold my composed demeanor. I gave him a hug and sat down on the couch. He sat down next to me, without looking at me. I tried to be 'friendly' and ask him about life for the past week. Everytime we made eye contact though, he would look away. It didn't bother me at all to look him in the eyes, but for him it was difficult. I could see that his eyes were red but I didn't know what from. I found out soon after that he learned about Mathieu--just minutes before I got to his apartment. Tears started pouring out of his eyes and he went to the freezer for a bottle of whiskey, which he chugged. Behavior like this really bothers me so I tried to calm him down and keep the bottle out of his reach without having to tell him not to touch it. I figured hooking up would get his mind off of things for awhile so...yep. It didn't feel nonchalant. It felt like make-up sex. [I'm sure my brother is horrified if he's reading this, but we're not children anymore ;-)]
The two of us talked. Andréa cried on and off. He also drank as much as he could without me yelling at him. I really hated seeing him like that but I had to stay cool and collected. "No relapses". I tried to re-assure him that everything would be alright. I promised him that he would meet someone perfect for him someday. He dismissed it all, but I know he's just living in the moment right now and the pain is just too fresh to be able to look ahead.
When it came time for me to leave, Andréa begged me to stay but I had to go back to Aix to pick up Greg. He made me promise to come back afterward and when my host mom gave me the 'okay,' I promised. I'm sure my host family is getting weary of all of the break ups and disputes with Andréa. I would give them less information if I could but they always know when something's wrong with me. Plus, I can't lie. Céline and Didier never thought Andréa was right for me, personally. They like him, but not for me. They see me everyday so they know me pretty well. They also know my family history in its entirety so they're able to judge from that as well.
I talked to Mathieu while I was waiting for maman to get home from work. I told him that it'd be better if we just remained friends because it's too late for me to get involved with someone else. He agreed, though he had his own reasoning. Mathieu's a pretty smart guy though. He knew that Andréa had something to do with my recent decision-making. He simply said that he understood and that he would like to continue to hang out. I don't see any problem with this since Andréa and I are just "friends" and Mathieu and I aren't dating anyway. Mathieu is likeable, that's for sure. But I'm also sure the butterflies I felt were false. They were the nervous butterflies you get when something new and interesting comes along, not when you're falling in love. I tried to tell Andréa this when he upset himself again later on.
Andréa was more calm the second time I arrived and he didn't wreak of alcohol. He asked as many questions as he could without prying or being too nosy. I could tell he was jealous and hurt but I didn't want to be "girlfriend Melinda" and concern myself too much because we weren't a couple. As much as I say that, we still did things couples would do. I'm still trying to take the relation out of the relationship, but I'm still trying to figure out how that works. I'm constantly reminding myself that he's not my boyfriend and all of the guys blowing up my phone are helping. I'm just trying to be neutral.
Oi vay. You don't seem like the same melx. Very up and down. Doesn't seem like there is a clear path for yah to follow. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to love, no, there is no path that I can see. With the rest of my life, everything is so obvious--where I'm supposed to go, with who, where, etc.
ReplyDeleteI got your message on the Messenger by the way Ched. I can't figure out how to use it though so I can't reply
That's cool. Saw u went off
ReplyDeletefb. Didn't know how to contact yah.