Mercredi, 3 Juillet 2013: PART I: Eyes Open

I was still feeling down last night after dinner so I took a sleeping pill in case it would be another difficult night. Breakups are always difficult, whether you wanted them or not. Luckily, Andréa took back all of the things he had given me so I have no reminders of him around. Thank the Lord! He, on the other hand, has an apartment full of reminders of me. I did have a lot of trouble sleeping last night though. Even with the sedatives in my system. Last night was probably the most difficult night since the breakup because I came to the realization that Andréa and I will never be together again. Once I leave France, there will be no reason for me to move back. He was the reason why I set myself the 2 year goal. I was going to spend 2 years working in America with him by my side and then move back to France and start a family with him here. Now that we're not together, I have no interest in coming back. There are other parts of the world that I want to explore for extended periods of time.

Even with all of the trouble sleeping and the usual heartache that accompanied it, I surprisingly woke up feeling extremely perky this morning. I didn't feel an ounce of sadness. I felt relief! My mind was filled with extreme clarity! I DON'T NEED ANDRÉA!!! The events over the weekend were really a blessing in disguise. I do NOT need a man like that in my life! This one certain line kept rolling over and over in my head as I was sleeping last night, so much that I remembered it when I woke up. "Love is patient, love is kind." After thinking about it for awhile, I remembered where I had seen it and immediately pulled out a Bible. 

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, 

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I can't believe that I was so upset about the breakup. I feel so stupid that I was holding on so tightly to this relationship when it's not what I wanted in the first place. Yes, there are a lot of things that would make Andréa the perfect husband, except for his inability to manage his emotions. It's a deal breaker in any situation. I warned him that he could lose me over that. No one wants calamity in their life. What I needed to realize was that love doesn't hurt, loving the wrong person does. 

Though I'm still exalting in this new revelation, I know that there will still be difficult moments throughout the week. The thing about me though, is that after the first week following a breakup, I'm fine. Unless they contact me, I'm able to completely forget about them. I just need to keep in mind that I only have 5 days left until my mind is completely free from this turmoil. I just need to keep busy until then. Good thing I have the Tour de France passing through my city tomorrow!!!

Mardi, 2 Juillet 2013: Friends & Co.

Since I reactivated my FB account, a ton of people have been messaging me to see when I'd be coming home. Their excitement completely dragged me out of my depression. I can't wait to be home and see all of their sweet faces! It's so nice to know that so many people care and that they're counting down the days until I'm back. You have no idea what that can do for your mental well-being until you're in a dark place. I am so, so blessed to have so many wonderful friends...

I was thinking of throwing a party when I got back, but it turns out that my roommate Lauren was already secretly planning one! Dima let the cat out of the bag, ha haha. Lauren knows all of the people I frequent with so I should be seeing a lot of missed faces upon my return. I'm so excited!!!

I was talking to my roommates about my flight schedule today. They found out I was taking a bus from NY to VA because it was cheaper than flying all the way home. Lauren immediately volunteered to pick me up from NY and Herminio offered to find me a cost-efficient flight back. Can you feel the love or what??? I AM SO BLESSED!!! My roommates are the coolest! Enough said!!!

Here are some pics of my new roomies at my last farewell party (pre-France!)

Lauren is on the right

Herminio is on the left

Lundi, 1 Juillet 2013: Sitting Down with Dad

Didier has been trying to avoid getting into my relationship problems, but today, he sat me down in the garden, pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lit one up and started talking. "Listen, you know I don't want to be involved but..." He told me he told Andréa to stay away, that he was no longer invited to my farewell party, and that he should not follow me back to the states. Somehow, I was relieved, though still sad. Didier had done all of the talking for me. 

When he asked me to describe what had happened over the weekend, I started feeling sick. When I got to a certain point in the events, he stopped me, saying "I told you that would happen if you went back to him last time." I couldn't help it then, I started crying. I was upset because I knew he was right all along and that for once, I was weak for allowing those events to occur at all.

My host dad and I sat outside together for what seemed like forever. He told me to enjoy the nice weather and to just let it all go. He reminded me that I have great things ahead of me, and you know what? He's right. I have 24 days left in France. I need to take advantage of them because I'm probably never coming back.

Vendredi au Dimanche, 27-30 Juin 2013: Goodbye My Lover, Goodbye My Friend

This is going to be a very difficult post for me to write. You all know that the relationship between Andréa and I has been deteriorating. We were arguing in a healthy fashion for awhile but that eventually did a 180°. We no longer respect one another and we both know all too well how to push each others' buttons. This is what happens when you take each other for granted. Andréa and I got too comfortable with the idea that we were going to be together forever. So much that we killed the "forever" part. With all that's happened between us, we just thought we couldn't do anything to hurt the relationship, but we did. We hurt each other repeatedly and that put so much distance between us that we no longer had a relationship to lean on. Basically, "the straw that broke the camel's back."

The relationship hasn't felt right in awhile, for the past month I'd say. When Andréa and I are happy with one another, we're on Cloud 9. It's pure ecstasy! But when it's bad, I feel like I'm in Purgatory and that there's no escape. I don't think you should ever feel like that with the one you love the most. Honestly, I think the stress of me leaving, the stress of Andréa following me back to the states, and work on both sides just got to us. We didn't know how to put the extra weight to the side. We didn't know how to love each other anymore. We were actually mean to each other. This Andréa was completely unrecognizable, and I'm sure I was too. Lately, whenever I look into his eyes, they just seem empty. And he's been asking me more and more what I'm thinking about when I gaze off, but really, it was never anything specific. We became zombies in the relationship--going back to basic instincts. It's only been food and sex lately. Most people wouldn't complain, but Andréa and I both need deeper meaning. 

The problems between us got so horrible that my host family finally intervened. It's over between us. My host parents are finally taking a stand. Our relationship isn't healthy and we need time apart. Maybe it can work out for us in the future after we've both grown mentally, but now is just not the time. We both need to get our lives in order. Then, and only then will we be able to determine if we can make it work. There's just so much happening currently that we're losing confidence in ourselves. If you don't believe in yourself, then you'll project that fear onto everyone else--especially those you love the most. If you love and respect yourself, then you'll love and respect those around you. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't depressed right now. The feeling is absolutely incapacitating. I feel like I'm dying. Andréa and I both know that it's time to stop, but I still love him and I would do anything just to touch him. It's taking me every ounce of energy not to pick up my phone. I've been through serious breakups before and the pain is just stifling. This one is just as bad, if not worse. It doesn't matter if it was a mutual breakup or not, it still hurts. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I've been taking sleeping pills but I still wake up in the middle of the night feeling like my heart is being ripped out. The most difficult part of my day is having to get out of bed. I just want to stay in my hole until my flight back to the states, but I know that I have kids to care for and friends that are still here. 

I know that I'm not alone but I feel like I am. The sense of loneliness is so crushing, I can barely breathe! But it will force me to find myself once again. People so often lose themselves in relationships, so much that they're completely changed. It's normal to pick up traits from your partners but it is absolutely necessary to stay true to yourself through it all. After all, that's the person that he fell in love with. I feel like I changed in the relationship, little by little, until I was completely different. Now I feel like a completely blank canvas. The only advantage I see in that is that I can re-paint who I want to be. I recently looked up old conversations Andréa and I had via FB. It's so sweet, seeing how we began and how much love was in our relationship before. When the conversation changed, I stopped reading. I want to know how to go back to that time, how to rewind, but I can't find a solution yet.

It's strange. This breakup makes the most logical sense but it's still emotionally painful. It's the emotion that keeps dragging me down because I know, logically, that this relationship is unhealthy--at this time anyway. Everything seems so dark right now, but I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that the only way out is to go through. I feel like I'm drowning in emotions but I know that there's a purpose to it all and that I'll survive. I will always love Andréa and I will always remember our time together in France. He has my whole heart and I don't want it back. He was my best friend. I can still see a bright future for us both with a home and babies, but we both need to mature emotionally. I never expected to fall in love when I came to France, but I'm glad Andréa found me. I will always have hope that things will work out in the future, but right now, I'm going to leave it alone. 

"If you love someone, set them free. 

If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, then they never were."

Jeudi, 27 Juin 2013: αντίο Loucas

Loucas is a friend I made in my language class at l'Université Paul Cézanne this year. He's from Cyprus so he's really easy going. We exchange jabs at each other in either French or English so our relationship is a bit humorous. He's like a brother to me, and today, he left France. I get increasingly more sad as more and more of my friends leave, but this one really broke my heart. 

Yesterday evening, Andréa and I went to the Café Verdun for a farewell drink. We met up with Loucas, Evaggelia who brought along her husband and two sons, our professor Nathalie, her boyfriend Joel, and two of Nathalie's friends. We all had a chance to catch up finally since school ended. Evaggelia and her family are getting ready to move back to Greece so it was difficult saying goodbye to her as well. She's a beautiful, beautiful woman--inside and out. I always felt so comfortable around her. 

Our meeting wasn't long because everyone still had to finish packing. Joel and Andréa were also exhausted from their long work day. The four of us that were in class together got one last picture before we said our official goodbyes. Andréa and I walked with Loucas for a bit before we decided we couldn't follow him any longer. I must've given Loucas a million hugs in that little bit of time. I just felt like I couldn't hug him enough! It's true though that I won't be seeing him for awhile. It's so sad. I could tell that he was feeling down too. He tried to hide it, but he looked so torn up. 

Anyway, Here's to my friend Loucas! He made it home safely. I hope to see him again soon!

Mercredi, 26 Juin 2013: In Need of Obedience Class

Gregoire hung out at the house with me instead of going to the creche. He was allowed back with the chicken pox but I decided to keep him under quarantine just in case. Céline dropped the triplets off at school on her way to work. I was surprised to get a call from her so soon. She normally doesn't call or text me until the afternoon. Shockingly enough, she had gotten a call from Gendarmarie who had found Google roaming their yard. I immediately grabbed Gregoire who was pant-less and shoe-less, attached him to the car seat, and took off toward the military police station where the dog was last seen. It's so strange that she got out because the gate was firmly closed. On my way to the Gendarmarie, Céline called me to let me know that Google took off again. Lo and behold, I found her walking through traffic! I completely freaked out! I screamed her name, parked my car on the median, and grabbed her! She was already being pursued by the tabac owner and a neighbor who recognized her. She could've been hit, weaving through traffic like that. I was pissed! 

When we got back to the house, I made sure the gate was completely latched before letting Google out of the car. I went to the garage, looked for anything resembling a rope, and settled on a power cord. I attached the cord to a tree and Google--using bowline knots on both ends. I had learned a lot of knots while rock climbing and knew that these were less likely to slip.

I decided that today would be a good day to give Google a bath. She hadn't had one since about November and she smelled something awful! Unfortunately, the outdoor water supply had been shut off by the neighbor so I used the old bucket method. Once Google was sun-dried, I brushed her and cut out all of her matted hair. She looks pretty strange right now because the matted hair was in patches, but if you don't cut it out, the dog's skin can be pulled up into the tangles and cause her pain. If not cared for in a timely fashion, the skin under the matted hair can become necrotic. In some parts of the U.S., you can be fined for your dog having severely matted hair as it's a sign of neglect. I remember an episode of Animal Cops where insects had laid eggs under a dog's matted hair. It was so sad!

Not a happy camper...

Mardi, 25 Juin 2013: L'Hôpital de Quoi?¿?

Céline's sister Alix went back to Paris today. She's a purse and scarf designer so she's gotta get back to her collection. You can check out her beautiful work here http://www.alixdelachapelle.com/ 

I took my free afternoon as an opportunity to go see Krystle at the hospital. I tried to look up her new location on the internet but I couldn't find the exact spelling. She ended up giving me the wrong name due to a typo. I found a hospital in Marseille with a similar name she had given me so I called the number listed. To my horror, the automatic operator on the other end said that the number was no longer in use! I completely freaked out and puked all over myself. Krystle is one of my best friends here in France and I was paranoid that something was really wrong. After I got myself cleaned up, I went downstairs. I panicked and asked my host dad for help. Didier called the number back, found a forwarding number, called that one, was forwarded to another line, and finally found out that Krystle was alive, well, and still admitted. As soon as he hung up the phone I sighed a sigh of relief and started bawling! I feel like I haven't cried in ages.

I was on my way to Marseille soon after. I found the place with minor trouble but I had this nagging feeling inside of me. I really wanted to be alone with Andréa so I called him, lied about being lost, and made my way to his place. I felt like the silence and distance between us since Sunday was much needed. We've been spending too much "bad" time together--under stressful situations especially. He didn't give me a very warm welcome when he arrived though. He was still upset about the non-fight all weekend. I didn't really know what to do. I just wanted things to go back to normal so I acted as such. I'm not the type to hold grudges. I sulk for a few hours, think about the underlying issues, fix them in my head, and I get over it. Nothing really seemed to warm Andréa up and I decided not to push it because "If you have to force it, it's probably crap." I didn't want to encourage him to be fake with me. 

Though Andréa was tired from his 10 hour work day, he still took me to Krystle. Even through traffic jams and other unnecessary traffic obstacles, we got to her in about ten minutes and she was waiting on the side of the road. She forced the hospital to release her because she couldn't stand to be in there another minute.  We picked her up and headed back to Andréa's so I could get my car. I probably should've told Andréa that I lied, but that sounds kind of crazy...Lying to your BOYFRIEND about being lost so that you can spend alone time with him. Oh well, we all do stupid things sometimes...