Didier left for business today. I was happy to
have the house to myself because that's the only time I can get any real
cleaning done. There were still tape marks all over the windows I had painted so
that was the job I tackled today. Maman brought me gasoline like I had asked,
and a razor. It took pretty much all morning, but the gunk is gone! People will
actually be able to see through the windows at the party. Ha haha.
I was exhausted after all of the work so I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I just felt so awful...Not
physically, but emotionally. My guts felt like they were being ripped out
metaphorically speaking. I knew exactly what the problem was but I didn't want
to admit to it. I miss Andréa.
I was the only one home so I knew that being home
alone and not hearing Didier scramble about had something to do with it. So, I
got up and started re-arranging some things. After a few hours of cleaning and
organizing, you'd think that I could've gotten my mind off of my break-up, but
no. It didn't go away. I went outside and played with Google for a bit of
distraction, but every time I looked at her puppy dog eyes, I imagined Andréa every time he was sad. I knew that he was probably more
torn up than me but I couldn't shake the feeling coming over me. Maybe I'm
finally feeling what he feels every time I tell him "it's over."
I paced around the terrace for awhile and mulled
it all over. How I could possibly miss a guy that I can no longer see
eye-to-eye with, someone who makes me feel like my ideas are completely
inane--like I'm his mom, a guy that pushed me down like I was his kid sister, a guy
that argues with me like I'm his pal. Then it hit me. I was all of those things
for him, but in a different form. To Andréa, I was his caretaker, side-kick, and friend. Women are everything for their significant
others. I was everything for him and he was everything for me, even with all
of the obstacles thrown in. That's what made it a real relationship--the effort
to make it all work with our different personalities from different cultures. Love comes naturally, but there needs to be compromise and an open ear as well.
I kept on reflecting back to the
conversation with Didier last week. My host dad told me not to hide my feelings and always be true to my heart. He told me that I don't always have to be so tough. That's difficult for me considering the life I had as a child. Even if something hurts me, I always try to be a bad ass and that's worked out well for me in the past but now I'm afraid I'm about to lose someone important. Yes, he hurt me but it's nothing that can't be fixed, so long as HE's the one that wants to fix it. I hurt him too, emotionally, and I know what I have to change. I want to change that part in me. The "I don't give a shit" mentality--especially towards him, because it's a lie. I always care when it comes to Andréa.
Most people would say "Hey, you're American. He's French. You're already broken up and you're going home soon. Let it go." But I can't! I'm in love with him and when you're so intertwined with another soul, you can't just drop it. You have to right your wrongs and see if they're willing to do the same. I spoke to my friend Autumn about my feelings. I figured she'd be most understanding considering she's an American who is engaged to a French man. They basically went through a lot of the same things so I wanted to see how she felt about our situation. She said something that really just inspired me and completely changed my outlook. "You are both still alive so as long as we are alive...we can always do things over..." Those words washed over me like the ocean and I knew what I had to do, what I wanted to do. I had been fighting with myself about it for a few hours already but with Autumn's encouragement I finally decided to send Andréa a message and put myself out there. It's completely uncharacteristic of me to make myself vulnerable and show my true feelings but I was willing to take the risk. I'm going back to Epictetus' words of wisdom for this scenario.
"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid."
I told Andréa how I really felt about everything. He hadn't tried to contact me since our huge blowout so I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. We spent the rest of the afternoon texting and when night came, he asked me to get on Skype. I was hesitant because I hadn't seen his face in 2 weeks. I had said "no" but when he begged me, I decided this was the next step in my change for the better. I had to get over my fears--that's what destroys a relationship. It's time to re-build our union, beginning with re-painting myself. When the live video popped up on the screen I let out a huge sigh of relief. He was there. Still waiting for me. His face was red with distress and fatigue. Tears were pouring down his cheeks. He was obviously hurt. But anyone could see that he's still completely in love with me. Hopefully he saw the same on my end. We spent the next few hours talking and when it came time to go to bed Andréa asked that I keep the webcam on. He said that he needed my presence...I thought the video would be a disturbance and keep him up, but after a lot of convincing, he went to bed with me next to him on the screen. About 3 hours later, when I saw that he was completely passed out, I ended the video call.
The first step is over, yes, but we're on our way to make more--together.
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