Samedi, 20 Juillet 2013: My Farewell Party

My host family threw me a huge farewell party tonight. I had forgotten that I knew so many of their friends. There were about 40 guests. We had a spring roll construction station in the middle of the terrace. Didier grilled skewers of meat in the stone BBQ by the garden, and Céline had all of the vegetables on the plancha. Each guest brought a side dish. Didier had intricately planned this part of the agenda weeks ago--making sure all of the foods would work well together and that each person would bring his requested dish. He didn't want people to just bring whatever. He wanted the meal to have a cohesive theme. 

Didier called everyone out to the terrace before we started eating. I figured he would give a speech but did not think I would be the focal point. I thought he would just thank everyone for coming out. I was standing in the crowd when Didier called me to the front. He pretended he was reading a speech but all he had was a blank sheet of white paper...He was speaking from the heart. The story was pretty hilarious. He covered all of the comedic mishappenings and our accidental meeting. Everyone was rolling with laughter! But then he started talking about how much I meant to them and how much the kids have grown, the tone changed a bit. I started rubbing my eyes because they felt irritated, but then I realized I was crying. I looked over at maman with Léa and Camille. The three of them had tears pouring down their faces. I lost it at that point. I was bawling! Didier grabbed me for a side hug and I just buried my face into his chest. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't contain it. I just love this family so much! 

At the end of the speech, my family presented me with a scrapbook they had made for me. They had compiled pictures of our year together and written captions for them. They had even left pages at the end for our friends and family to leave messages too. It was so sweet! I love gifts that have meaning. They really nailed it on this one. I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to these people in 6 days...

But what a great party!!! 

I dropped my camera right after this so the following pictures are taken by my crappy phone...Désolée!!!

Vendredi, 19 Juillet 2013: Live, Laugh, Love

After nearly an entire night of silence, I left Andréa's this morning. We didn't say much to each other all night long. Talking is important, but last night for us was a chance to recapture all of the love and re-affirmation we've been without for the past two weeks. It was all about the "fuzzy stuff." The discussion and explanations could wait one more day. And that's what we did tonight when I finished my nanny duties. I went back to Marseille and we talked. 

Andréa and I took turns explaining ourselves--each person having their own valid points. I was able to understand his point of view and actions while he was able to understand mine. I fully believe the problem leading up to our last blowout was miscommunication. I know that I stopped trying to explain myself and in turn, he stopped doing that as well. As a result of the lack of discussion, we stopped trying to understand one another. We already have a communication barrier [language], so talking, or at least hand gestures are absolutely necessary--it doesn't matter if I think he'll understand or not. 

We've verbally resolved one big issue I had with him. We both agreed that it's not completely his fault when he gets mad but it's 100% his fault when his anger reaches his hands. Andréa agreed with me completely. He excused himself, was overwhelmingly apologetic, and is going to see a counselor to make sure it never happens again. Granted, he never really did anything except throw a few things and shove me. But things like that can and will get out of hand if it's not taken care of ahead of time. I'm glad he volunteered to get some counseling on the issue and I'm even happier that I didn't need to suggest it. I trust him. 

And me? Well, I'm going to start talking about my feelings more. More important than that though, is that I'm going to stop saying things that will purposefully hurt Andréa. Yes, I'm aware that words can hurt more. I had forgotten what it was like to live with my mother. Her words were traumatizing and I don't ever want to be like that toward Andréa ever again. Life is already difficult without you trying to mess things up on your own. Love is easy. You just let it happen. People are the ones that make it complicated. We bring all of the external obstacles into the relationship when they really have no place there. It's really cliché but it's true--everyone needs to just "live, laugh, and love."

Everyone seems happy that we're together, even with the not-so-happy events in our short history. Our friends and families aren't supportive just because we're madly in love with each other, they see that we're both making an effort. Andréa and I have both made necessary changes. Changes that will benefit our relationship but will allow us to stay true to ourselves at the same time. We just need to keep reminding ourselves that we come from two different countries on two different continents. We speak different languages and come from different cultures. We were each nurtured differently. Everything between the two of us is different except for our future goals, and one crucial thing...love. 

Jeudi, 18 Juillet 2013: Staring Into Eternity

With the steps I had taken on Monday, my relationship with Andréa was on its way to changing--for the better. We still hadn't seen each other since the day my host parents stepped in, so I was scared today when he asked me to come to Marseille to see him. He had wanted to wait for Didier's permission before he saw me in person. Didier had previously told him to stay away. We waited a few days until he was back from his business trip to ask in person. Neither of us wanted to ask via text or phone call. I explained the situation to my host dad and how our conversation about emotions and opening up has resulted in me doing just that. Didier was ecstatic that I was no longer hiding my true feelings and of course gave Andréa and I permission to see each other even though he said we didn't need to ask him.

I went to Marseille after lunch today. I parked the car outside of Andréa's apartment complex, fiddled with my belongings, and just sat there for 10 minutes. I wasn't ready yet. As much as I love Andréa, I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks and I was nervous. I wasn't afraid that anything was going to go wrong. I was just nerve-wracked. I finally got out of my car and walked up to his apartment complex, slowly. I waited outside for a bit but then I finally hit the button by his name. When he buzzed me in, I held the door open and just waited for awhile. Andréa buzzed me in a second time, probably because I hadn't walked through his door yet. When he opened his door to come out and find me, I was planted against the wall at the bottom of the steps. I was so nervous! I walked into his apartment without stopping as he walked out to find me. I went straight to the couch, sat down, and put a pillow over my head. I was just so overwhelmed with emotion and I didn't want to show it. I guess Andréa was feeling the same way because he just stood in the doorway for awhile.

Andréa came and sat down beside me on the couch after awhile. We didn't say anything to each other. I tried to relax but listening to the way he was breathing didn't help. I don't know if he was crying or if he was just taking really deep breaths. Either way, I didn't relax. About an hour later, we finally made eye contact. It was weird...I averted my eyes a few times because I was just uncomfortable. It wasn't like we were strangers. It kind of just felt like we were both embarrassed for what had happened between us. Once we got comfortable, we just stared at each other for a long, long time. The talking never really happened. We kind of just fed off of each others' presence and took advantage of our time together. I think that was the longest hug I've ever had my whole life...

Mercredi, 17 Juillet 2013: Return to Mont St. Victoire

I woke up around 6h00 this morning for a hike. My host parents agreed to take Gregoire to the creche so that I could hike up St. Victoire one last time before heading back to the states. The three girls all carpooled together. We had all met for the first time this morning. The four of us rendez-vous'ed at the dam and hiked from there. The gate to the dam was closed but we decided to hop the fence because there was no way we were waiting until 9h00 to start the hike--especially with this heat wave. It was supposed to get around 30°C  (86°F) by noon today. 

Though we had just met this morning, it was really easy to talk to the girls. I was completely open with them and it seemed as if they were with me too. I like being able to chat without feeling like I'm being judged and I like people to feel comfortable with me as well. Travelers are generally much more friendly though. It's easy for us to make friends. Well, and we're all au pairs so we have to be somewhat likeable ;-) The four of us talked the entire 5 hour hike up and down the mountain. I wouldn't have known it was 5 hours though, it seemed like it went by so fast! 

Here's to new friendships and new adventures! Enjoy the pictures!

Mardi, 16 Juillet 2013: I'm A Big Kid Now

Yesterday during breakfast Céline told Gregoire that we were no longer using diapers. She finally put her foot down and told him that he needed to use the potty. Surprisingly, he didn't fight her on it. That's the thing though, when maman says you're going to do something, you do it! She just wasn't firm before. I've been trying to potty train him myself for the past few months--knowing that he's starting school next year and that there are no diaper changers there. Didier never thought it was a big deal, figuring it would happen in its own time. He was right! As usual! 

This morning I hung out on the couch while Greg was on the potty. We watched cartoons until he did his "pi pi" and "caca." Then, and only then, was I able to dress him for the day and take him to the creche. We're trying to make this a routine. I'm all for it, obviously. Potty seats are easier clean up!!!

Lundi, 15 Juillet 2013: Making Waves

Didier left for business today. I was happy to have the house to myself because that's the only time I can get any real cleaning done. There were still tape marks all over the windows I had painted so that was the job I tackled today. Maman brought me gasoline like I had asked, and a razor. It took pretty much all morning, but the gunk is gone! People will actually be able to see through the windows at the party. Ha haha.

I was exhausted after all of the work so I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I just felt so awful...Not physically, but emotionally. My guts felt like they were being ripped out metaphorically speaking. I knew exactly what the problem was but I didn't want to admit to it. I miss Andréa.

I was the only one home so I knew that being home alone and not hearing Didier scramble about had something to do with it. So, I got up and started re-arranging some things. After a few hours of cleaning and organizing, you'd think that I could've gotten my mind off of my break-up, but no. It didn't go away. I went outside and played with Google for a bit of distraction, but every time I looked at her puppy dog eyes, I imagined Andréa every time he was sad. I knew that he was probably more torn up than me but I couldn't shake the feeling coming over me. Maybe I'm finally feeling what he feels every time I tell him "it's over."

I paced around the terrace for awhile and mulled it all over. How I could possibly miss a guy that I can no longer see eye-to-eye with, someone who makes me feel like my ideas are completely inane--like I'm his mom, a guy that pushed me down like I was his kid sister, a guy that argues with me like I'm his pal. Then it hit me. I was all of those things for him, but in a different form. To Andréa, I was his caretaker, side-kick, and friend. Women are everything for their significant others. I was everything for him and he was everything for me, even with all of the obstacles thrown in. That's what made it a real relationship--the effort to make it all work with our different personalities from different cultures. Love comes naturally, but there needs to be compromise and an open ear as well.

I kept on reflecting back to the conversation with Didier last week. My host dad told me not to hide my feelings and always be true to my heart. He told me that I don't always have to be so tough. That's difficult for me considering the life I had as a child. Even if something hurts me, I always try to be a bad ass and that's worked out well for me in the past but now I'm afraid I'm about to lose someone important. Yes, he hurt me but it's nothing that can't be fixed, so long as HE's the one that wants to fix it. I hurt him too, emotionally, and I know what I have to change. I want to change that part in me. The "I don't give a shit" mentality--especially towards him, because it's a lie. I always care when it comes to Andréa. 

Most people would say "Hey, you're American. He's French. You're already broken up and you're going home soon. Let it go." But I can't! I'm in love with him and when you're so intertwined with another soul, you can't just drop it. You have to right your wrongs and see if they're willing to do the same. I spoke to my friend Autumn about my feelings. I figured she'd be most understanding considering she's an American who is engaged to a French man. They basically went through a lot of the same things so I wanted to see how she felt about our situation. She said something that really just inspired me and completely changed my outlook. "You are both still alive so as long as we are alive...we can always do things over..." Those words washed over me like the ocean and I knew what I had to do, what I wanted to do. I had been fighting with myself about it for a few hours already but with Autumn's encouragement I finally decided to send Andréa a message and put myself out there. It's completely uncharacteristic of me to make myself vulnerable and show my true feelings but I was willing to take the risk. I'm going back to Epictetus' words of wisdom for this scenario. 

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." 

I told Andréa how I really felt about everything. He hadn't tried to contact me since our huge blowout so I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. We spent the rest of the afternoon texting and when night came, he asked me to get on Skype. I was hesitant because I hadn't seen his face in 2 weeks. I had said "no" but when he begged me, I decided this was the next step in my change for the better. I had to get over my fears--that's what destroys a relationship. It's time to re-build our union, beginning with re-painting myself. When the live video popped up on the screen I let out a huge sigh of relief. He was there. Still waiting for me. His face was red with distress and fatigue. Tears were pouring down his cheeks. He was obviously hurt. But anyone could see that he's still completely in love with me. Hopefully he saw the same on my end. We spent the next few hours talking and when it came time to go to bed Andréa asked that I keep the webcam on. He said that he needed my presence...I thought the video would be a disturbance and keep him up, but after a lot of convincing, he went to bed with me next to him on the screen. About 3 hours later, when I saw that he was completely passed out, I ended the video call. 

The first step is over, yes, but we're on our way to make more--together.

Dimanche, 14 Juillet 2013: Bêtes de Provence

I left Krystle's pretty early this morning. When I arrived back home, my host family and the 8 guests were already eating breakfast. I, of course, dove right in.

After Julien and all of his friends took off to the wedding brunch Didier, Céline, and I started working. My farewell party is Saturday and we finally have some motivation to work on the outside of the house. The three of us cleaned up the entire parking area which was completely covered with crap--fallen branches, old shrubs that had been torn out, even trash. As soon as we finished raking all of the stuff up, it looked like a whole new place! Instead of 3 cars, there's now space for 20! It's amazing!!!

In the midst of cleaning and re-arranging, I came across a little scorpion. It was so small, it could fit inside a nickel. I had no idea they existed in these parts! When I think of scorpions, I think of huge deserts. But no, they're here too. We found about 3 of them and smashed them all. I kind of wish I would've kept one as a pet. I've always wanted one! I know...I'm a little bit strange. Ha haha

Since we're on the topic of pests, I'd just like to say that the mosquitoes in Provence are the absolute worst!!! They NEVER bite me back in the states. It's so annoying here! Since there's no A/C and it's hot as balls, we sleep with the windows and shutters open to let in the cool, night air. The problem with that is that you also let in all of the evil bloodsuckers. Even if you're not getting bitten, like say you sleep with a sheet over your body and head, you still hear them buzzing around your head. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks...Darn you skeeters!!!

There's another bug that's famous for the Provence area. They're called "eules." They're these creepy, black millipedes that come out when it's warm. They crawl all over your house and their favorite hangout is doorways. I have no idea why...But I started surveying all entrances once they started falling on my head...Blech!!!

Today is also Bastille day. I had always heard that the French celebrate Bastille Day like we celebrate Independence Day back in the states. It was similar, but back home, we do more of the BBQ social and shoot off our own fireworks. My host parents, Greg, and I just watched the city fireworks from our terrace. I was exhausted from all of the yard work, so I'm glad we didn't do anything extravagant this Bastille Day. Whew!