Vendredi au Samedi, 26-27 Juillet 2013: O'er the Land of the Free...

I flew XL Airways back to the states. It's a french-based airline that frequently flies from Marseille to NYC so the flights are super cheap! The plane was pretty full. I was put in the middle with two American boys who had been visiting Provence with their parents. I was actually supposed to sit between the two of them but I offered to move over a seat so that they could sit together. Besides, I didn't want them talking over me. I watched two movies in French and two movies in English on the 8 hour trip back to America--Monstre à Paris, Camille Redouble, Identity Thief, and Broken City. I tried to sleep but I was in coach so I couldn't really get comfortable. Our meal was pretty good for airplane food. It kind of reminded me of my flight meal on my way to France last year--tortellini in a red sauce, cole slaw, a roll, and a chocolate mousse. There was lots of free tea, coffee, and wine. Thank goodness because there was a toddler 2 rows back who screamed the last hour of the flight. His parents didn't really do anything about it and a lot of people all around commented on that--behind their backs of course. 

We arrived at J.F.K. Airport around 11pm. It took about an hour to get through border control. Once I made it out, I exchanged my euros for U.S. dollars and waited for Danielle--one of my good friends that I met at school in France. She and her dad were picking me up so that I would have a place to rest for the night instead of hopping right onto a bus back to Virginia. I brought her back an antique ceramic cicada as a thank you and as a reminder of Provence.

Danielle took me out to a bagel shop so I could get some American food in my belly. I wasn't even back in the U.S. for an hour before I had a guy hit on me. This kid thought he'd ask about my tattoos as an ice breaker. I kind of missed being hit on the American way. At least American guys aren't aggressive. They can take a hint. You don't have to be overtly obvious in the states when you're not interested. It was strange to be back though, on American soil after living in France for a year. The air smells different, the people give a different vibe, and darn, I can understand everything on the signs. It was just too familiar even though I'd never been to N.Y. before.

Danielle's friends tried to get us to go out tonight but we were both exhausted so we passed out until the next morning. The two of us were taken back to the city by her dad. We found my bus stop before going off and exploring a bit. Danielle and I found a nice little open-air market at a park. It reminded us of France so we had to stop in and take a look. I bought a few things there before we had to head back to the bus stop.

I expressed my gratitude to Danielle and her dad before saying my goodbyes and getting on the bus in Chinatown. 5 hours later, I was in Washington, D.C. where it was rainy and dreary. My new roommates but old friends Herminio and Lauren had been waiting anxiously for me. The guy at the bus station said that they missed my bus and that the last bus arrived an hour ago so they frantically searched all of the local shops thinking the guy at the booth was serious. My poor friends. Miscommunication? Anyway, they waited and found me, brought me flowers, and we made our way back to Harrisonburg, Virginia. Home, sweet home. 

Ma vie en France may be finished for the time being but I'll be back before you know it. To be continued...

 

Vendredi, 26 Juillet 2013: Le Fin de L'Année en France

I spent most of the morning putting the finishing touches on the house, putting flowers here and there for a bit of cheeriness. I checked in on Gregoire this morning, texting with his god-mother Carine. She said that he was fine and I took comfort in that. Andréa came over after work like he had been doing all week. He napped for a bit before my host parents and the triplets arrived back from the vacation home after burying Bonne Maman. They rushed to come back to give me a proper goodbye. They were afraid that they wouldn't get a chance to see me off, but I wouldn't have held that against them. They were saying a real goodbye to someone they've known their entire lives. 

I went over a few new things around the house with Céline and Didier--letting them know where I had moved the sheets, etc. I didn't have much to clean up this past week since it was just Gregoire, Andréa, and I in the house so I did a lot of re-arranging and re-organizing. I spent maybe 30 minutes with my host family before Andréa and I had to take off for the airport. 

It was difficult saying goodbye to my host parents, Céline especially. She's like a best friend, mom, and sister all rolled into one. Those kids are so blessed to have her. I'm going to miss Didier too, but he's a tough one--like me. His strength gave me strength to go. He just popped some money in my hand and sent me on my way--like a real dad. 

I gazed at the passenger side mirror the entire time we were descending. The family came out into the street and waved goodbye. I watched them the entire time. The further we went, the more empty my heart felt. All I could think was "I'm leaving my family. I'm leaving my home." I took in every detail of that trip down the chemin, because it will be a long time before I see it again. 

Andréa and I made it to the airport in good time. His dad and step-mom called me to wish me a good trip. They're such good-hearted people. Momo came and met Andréa and I at the airport. He wanted to say goodbye. The three of us checked my bags in before grabbing some drinks in a Starbucks. I haven't had Starbucks since I left the states. Funny how there's one in the airport but nowhere else in town. Momo, Andréa, and I stayed together for about an hour or so before I got up to go to the gate. It was sad, but I knew I had a ton of security to go through. I was "randomly" selected to be finely screened, and I knew this due to the bright red ICTS sticker they put on the back of my passport. It's not pretty and pastel like the others that got me through without having to be stopped. 

I said goodbye to Momo and gave him a huge hug--which is not acceptable in his culture, ha haha. When it came time to say goodbye to Andréa, I latched on and didn't let go for awhile. I didn't cry like I thought I would, but it's probably because we've practiced our goodbyes so many times already. The two of them waited outside of the security line until I got halfway through the queue. They finally turned around and left twenty minutes later. Watching Andréa walk away was difficult, but I know that I'll be seeing him soon.

Jeudi, 25 Juillet 2013: Achy Breaky Heart

I had finished packing days ago so I spent all day cleaning the house. My host parents weren't home yet and I wanted them to come back to a proper house. They shouldn't be stressed about anything else after this past week's events. Bonne Maman's funeral was this morning. The triplets found out she died just yesterday and made their way to the vacation home to say goodbye. How incredibly sad for everyone. I wasn't close with Bonne Maman but she treated me just like one of her grandkids. I got more grandma time from her than I have from my own grandmothers who are continents away. I miss them all.

Gregoire's god-mother Carine offered to take him tonight so that I could finish my preparations without worrying about him. When I got to the creche to pick him up, I could tell something was wrong. He wasn't speaking to me and he wouldn't look me in the eyes. I got his shoes on, said goodbye to the women at the creche, and we both walked out in silence. It was awkward...When I buckled him up in the car, he made eye contact with me, but it was kind of mean. When I sat down in the driver's seat, he finally spoke. He said to me "Tu va où?"--'Where are you going?' I told him I was taking him to Carine's house and he just stared at me stearnly in the rear-view mirror before saying 'No. After.' I told him that I would be returning to my home. He asked if that was the United States, and I replied yes. I couldn't lie to him. I'm pretty sure the women at the creche told him I was leaving, and they weren't supposed to. At that moment, he started hyperventilating and I saw that his eyes were welling up with tears. I didn't want him to be upset so I told him that I wasn't leaving until tomorrow. 

When we got to Carine's house, the 4 kids and nanny were there to greet us. They all tried to get Gregoire in the house so that I could go to dinner with Andréa, his father, and step-mother but Gregoire refused to enter without me. I had some time so when he held his hand out for me, I took it, and we walked in together. I turned around to go right back out the door but Gregoire jumped into my arms and wrapped his arms around my neck. He kept on screaming 'you can't go! you can't go!' The panic in his voice was so real that it made me tear up. 

Everyone was trying to devise ways to calm him down so we all sat down in the TV room together. The girls put on a movie for Greg so that he would mellow out but he had planted himself so close to me that I couldn't move without him noticing. Even when I flinched, he grabbed onto me. I guess I was too obvious because Gregoire lodged himself in my lap, wrapping my arms around him. I got up to leave about ten minutes later. I didn't think he would notice but he asked me again where I was going. I lied this time. I told him I was going to use the bathroom and he in turn told me that he was coming. I really didn't have to use the bathroom so I just told him I would go later because it's not normal for people to go to the bathroom together. When I sat back down, Gregoire sat on my lap and wrapped both arms around me--sitting in an awkward side position so that he couldn't properly watch the movie. 

We could all tell that Gregoire wasn't watching the TV so we went to François' room to play. He loves toy cars so all of the kids and even the nanny were playing with the cars. I stood by the doorway so that I could make an easy exit but he heard me take a step and raced to my side, asking me again where I was going. I lied once more. I told him I really had to pee this time and that he couldn't come with me. He told me that I wasn't allowed to leave him so he followed me to the bathroom. I pretended to do my business and returned him to the playroom afterward. I told him to go play. He listened, but he played while facing me so he could watch my every move. The kid is just too darn smart. I really didn't want to leave him but I figured the longer I stayed, the harder it would be. About 30 minutes later, the kids and the nanny all collectively distracted Gregoire at the same time. I finally saw my opportunity. I took off my flip flops and nudged the nanny. She got up to block the doorway, positioned herself and nodded before I slowly backed out of the room. I made it completely out of the house and shut the door before I heard Gregoire screaming for me and running down the hallway. I could hear everyone trying to calm him down and I just stood outside of the door for a minute, listening. I couldn't help it at this point. I just started crying. 

I couldn't keep myself together. I cried all the way home. I've never felt so much separation anxiety in my life. I just love him so much. Gregoire is like a little brother AND a son to me. Being an au pair is so rewarding. You get to develop multi-faceted relationships with these kids that most people will never experience. Gregoire will forever be in my heart. Our connection is deeper than the relationships I have with his siblings. We spent the most time together. While the triplets were with their dad, he was with me. While Antoine and Nicolas were with their mom, he was still with me. We were attached at the hip. He's my little guy.

I had Andréa all to myself tonight and I was content with that, but God, I couldn't stop thinking about Gregoire.

Mercredi, 24 Juillet 2013: Profitez

I was supposed to drop Gregoire off at his god-mother's house today but I decided instead to keep him. The little guy came along with Andréa and I to Krystle and Sebastien's for dinner. Krystle made my favorites from her recipes--salmon topped with Boursin (herbed cream cheese), wrapped in a buttered, braided dough, and baked to perfection. As for a side, she made my favorite greek salad. YUM! I have the most talented and generous friends. Seriously! 

As Krystle was finishing up the dinner prep, she played a video she had made as a farewell gift. Krystle is really just so thoughtful! It means so much to me that she took the time to compile all of the pictures and even my favorite songs for this. I'm going to miss this girl so much. She really knows how to make you feel special. Not only that, but it's so difficult to find friends that you really don't have to censor yourself with. I have a handful of friends that I can be mostly frank with, but I never have to filter anything out with Krystle. I can criticize her, and vice versa, and no one ever gets hurt. It's because we both understand that if we didn't care, we wouldn't bother saying anything. To me, that's a true friendship. 

Dinner was absolutely delicious tonight, as usual. Krystle cooked. The occasion was really quite somber though. Tonight is probably the last time that I would get to see Krystle and Sebastien--two people that I had become closest to during my time in France. I still have so much to do before I head back to the states so I'm going to take advantage of tonight. 

Krystle and I kind of just hung out at the dinner table while Gregoire played with the boys. Sebastien and Andréa absolutely love and want kids so they've got the energy to keep up with my Greg. After our rambunctious 3 year old wore himself out, running all over the apartment, he settled down on the couch. Or, maybe it was because he bumped into something and didn't want to cry about it. I don't know which statement is true because the guys gave me both. Greg had plopped himself into a corner of one of the couches--far away from Andréa and Sebastien. He was completely silent and stared into nothing. It's extremely odd for him to daze out like that so I went over and sat next to him. I put my arm around him and he just rested his head against my body. I could tell he was bothered by something but was trying to be tough. I suppose a year of me telling him "If it's not broken and if it's not bleeding, then don't cry" has finally kicked in. Yeah, I'm pretty hard on him, but it's not for nothing. Kids need to know that crying won't get them anywhere. Crying for emotional release is a different story. 

Gregoire was all sweaty from running around with no A/C or fan. I blew on him to cool him down a bit. Once he was nice and dry, he rolled up into a ball onto my lap while I rubbed his back. When I saw him close his eyes, Andréa and I picked him up and took him home. My sweet little Greg. God, I'm going to miss this kid...

Mardi, 23 Juillet 2013: Still The One

Andréa and I went to Carry today to have lunch with his dad and step-mom and to tell them about some big decisions we've made. After all of the things the two of us had been through together and after this recent loss, we decided we could never live without one another. I could never leave this relationship after all of the wonderful things we've experienced together...or bad, the lessons we've learned, together. Yes, we've had our troubles, but what couple hasn't. The problems we had are fixable and we've been making an effort. We continue to learn and grow with one another and that's essential when looking for a partner. Love like this, true love, is hard to come by and we're so lucky to have found it in each other. So we're getting married...Eventually. 

A lot of people get married, but most people do it when they're not actually ready. I have so many friends that are already divorced so I had made myself a mental checklist over the years--learning from others' mistakes. Unfortunately, no one else I knew had gone through this particular situation (meeting someone abroad). Being a control freak, I had put all of these criteria on when and how I would get married. I want to date for 2 years, live together for 2 years, be married for a few years, AND THEN have children but I honestly don't know if that's how things will actually work out. I've kind of just been blowing with the trends of the wind.

Andréa and I aren't engaged. We decided it would happen when it's right. Nothing could happen until he got permission from Didier and my real dad anyway. This is a discussion we both had in the very beginning. But we picked out a ring anyway. For the future, the "just-in-case" the time's right. I wanted something untraditional but something that screams "me". We decided to look for something with my birthstone (sapphire) which happens to be Andréa's favorite gemstone as well. We browsed through hundreds of pictures before we came across one that had us both in awe. We completely reacted in the same manner when we saw this one. It's perfect! So, now he knows what I like. Is that weird?

Marriage is a big step and I wouldn't have entertained the idea if I didn't think I had personally grown myself. I can be pretty stubborn and opinionated--I'm Vietnamese. And Andréa has his faults but he's got a big heart and he loves every little piece of me. He wants to do anything and everything to make me happy and I had only just become the same for him. I took him for granted before. I realized during our separation that I made life a lot harder for Andréa. We argued about the visa because "I" wanted him to come to America the way I made it to France--on my own. If I didn't try to push him to do it alone, we never would've gotten into half of the arguments we had. I hurt him by making him feel like I didn't support him. I have a big problem with doing things the "easy" way. I just feel like life is more rewarding when you have to work for something--but this shouldn't have been one of those things. Love is so easy, you just have to stop poisoning it with external factors.


I always knew I wanted to marry Andréa, I kind of just thought that getting married would've been a solution. I didn't want to be that couple. But after awhile, I no longer saw things that way. I didn't want us to be married so he could have the visa. So we're going to let things happen as they happen. Not push it. What I needed to realize is that we would've always gotten married for love. It took me a long time to understand that when you love someone, you're not supposed to test them and make the situation more difficult. You're supposed to make life easier for them. The simple solution here is not to fight my feelings. I was fighting to do things the more traditional way, but when you know something, you just know. My intuition tells me that I will love Andréa forever and that we'll be happy together because we're always trying to be better for each other. And, we're lucky for that. 

I could never deny the truth. He's the one.

Lundi, 22 Juillet 2013: The Day After

I took Greg to the creche like I normally do every morning. I can tell he knows something's going on but he's choosing not to acknowledge it. The kid is too smart. When I got home, I was afraid to walk into the house. Google was acting funny, just sitting and staring at one particular spot. She's normally all over the place--running and jumping all over you. She knew something was wrong too. Or it could be my imagination. I don't know. I fully believe dogs can sense things humans can't.

Andréa came to Aix immediately after work today. He was pet-sitting for his cousin so he brought the hamsters along. Didier told him that he could stay with us at the house so that's what he planned on doing as long as the parents were gone. Céline and Didier kept me updated on the preparations for Bonne Maman while I texted them regularly with pictures and messages assuring them that Greg was alright.

When Andréa laid down for his nap, I went and picked Gregoire up from the creche. Carine, Greg's god-mother had invited us over to her house today. The point was to keep Greg occupied. Carine's daughters and nanny had made Gregoire a car-shaped chocolate cake with his name on it. It was so adorable! Carine's sons played with Greg the rest of the evening as I watched. He always wanted me to stay close-by so I ended up playing too. It wasn't so bad. 

The two of us ate dinner with the 4 kids and the nanny before heading home to Andréa. It was a good idea to go out there for the evening. I think I would've just been depressed and Gregoire would've been bored if we would've just stayed at home. 

Dimanche, 21 Juillet 2013: Never Take For Granted

I drove Andréa back to Marseille today. I had decided I was going to spend the rest of the day with him there since maman and papa were holding down the fort back in Aix. In the midst of our nap, Andréa got a call from Didier since my phone was dead. Bonne Maman had gone into cardiac arrest and paramedics were trying to resuscitate her. After Andréa explained to me what was happening, I just turned toward the wall and prayed. A few minutes later, Didier called a second time and asked me to come home because they were heading to the vacation home to be with Bonne Maman. I didn't even hesitate. I got all of my stuff together, kissed Andréa goodbye, and heading back to Aix. I didn't necessarily speed but I drove efficiently. I got home in about 20 minutes.

When I opened the gate to let my car in, maman walked out. I parked my car before running up to her to give her a hug. She completely dropped herself into my arms, clutched me tightly, and sobbed. We stayed like that a long, long time. When I walked in, Didier was getting their bags together. I asked him what had happened. He explained they were leaving for the vacation home once Lucille and Jean-Pierre got to the house and that Bonne Maman passed away. I was absolutely shocked. All I said was "No...Shut up." I could've said something more helpful at that point but I had no words. 

Didier's kids and other party guests left as the parents were waiting. Didier explained to me that I needed to stay with Greg in Aix because they wanted to keep him away from all of that for now. I wasn't supposed to tell him anything and I agreed with that decision. He's just too young. It's a good thing the triplets were with their dad.

Maman's sister and brother and law arrived about twenty minutes after I did. I just stood in the doorway and watched everyone hug and cry. The expressions on everyone's faces was despair. I couldn't handle seeing them like that so I walked into the living room where Greg was watching a movie. My host parents took off with Lucille and JP not long after Carine arrived. Carine is Greg's god-mother and Céline's best friend and co-worker. Carine came to make sure Greg and I would be taken care of. She stayed awhile and made sure we had everything we needed including her contact info. 

When Carine finally left, the house felt so empty. Gregoire and I are used to being on our own but the energy was different today. We lost a family member. I was told to close the house up so that we were more secure but I thought closing all of the shutters would make the house more depressing so I left them all open. I made dinner for Greg as I normally do. I was a bit more playful with him tonight because I didn't want him to think anything was wrong. I slept in the parents' bed with him tonight. Maman had suggested it and I thought it was a good idea. Everyone can benefit from a good snuggle though I didn't sleep the entire night. I haven't had anyone die in a long time. I just went through all of my memories with Bonne Maman all night long...

Samedi, 20 Juillet 2013: My Farewell Party

My host family threw me a huge farewell party tonight. I had forgotten that I knew so many of their friends. There were about 40 guests. We had a spring roll construction station in the middle of the terrace. Didier grilled skewers of meat in the stone BBQ by the garden, and Céline had all of the vegetables on the plancha. Each guest brought a side dish. Didier had intricately planned this part of the agenda weeks ago--making sure all of the foods would work well together and that each person would bring his requested dish. He didn't want people to just bring whatever. He wanted the meal to have a cohesive theme. 

Didier called everyone out to the terrace before we started eating. I figured he would give a speech but did not think I would be the focal point. I thought he would just thank everyone for coming out. I was standing in the crowd when Didier called me to the front. He pretended he was reading a speech but all he had was a blank sheet of white paper...He was speaking from the heart. The story was pretty hilarious. He covered all of the comedic mishappenings and our accidental meeting. Everyone was rolling with laughter! But then he started talking about how much I meant to them and how much the kids have grown, the tone changed a bit. I started rubbing my eyes because they felt irritated, but then I realized I was crying. I looked over at maman with Léa and Camille. The three of them had tears pouring down their faces. I lost it at that point. I was bawling! Didier grabbed me for a side hug and I just buried my face into his chest. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't contain it. I just love this family so much! 

At the end of the speech, my family presented me with a scrapbook they had made for me. They had compiled pictures of our year together and written captions for them. They had even left pages at the end for our friends and family to leave messages too. It was so sweet! I love gifts that have meaning. They really nailed it on this one. I can't believe I'm saying goodbye to these people in 6 days...

But what a great party!!! 

I dropped my camera right after this so the following pictures are taken by my crappy phone...Désolée!!!

Vendredi, 19 Juillet 2013: Live, Laugh, Love

After nearly an entire night of silence, I left Andréa's this morning. We didn't say much to each other all night long. Talking is important, but last night for us was a chance to recapture all of the love and re-affirmation we've been without for the past two weeks. It was all about the "fuzzy stuff." The discussion and explanations could wait one more day. And that's what we did tonight when I finished my nanny duties. I went back to Marseille and we talked. 

Andréa and I took turns explaining ourselves--each person having their own valid points. I was able to understand his point of view and actions while he was able to understand mine. I fully believe the problem leading up to our last blowout was miscommunication. I know that I stopped trying to explain myself and in turn, he stopped doing that as well. As a result of the lack of discussion, we stopped trying to understand one another. We already have a communication barrier [language], so talking, or at least hand gestures are absolutely necessary--it doesn't matter if I think he'll understand or not. 

We've verbally resolved one big issue I had with him. We both agreed that it's not completely his fault when he gets mad but it's 100% his fault when his anger reaches his hands. Andréa agreed with me completely. He excused himself, was overwhelmingly apologetic, and is going to see a counselor to make sure it never happens again. Granted, he never really did anything except throw a few things and shove me. But things like that can and will get out of hand if it's not taken care of ahead of time. I'm glad he volunteered to get some counseling on the issue and I'm even happier that I didn't need to suggest it. I trust him. 

And me? Well, I'm going to start talking about my feelings more. More important than that though, is that I'm going to stop saying things that will purposefully hurt Andréa. Yes, I'm aware that words can hurt more. I had forgotten what it was like to live with my mother. Her words were traumatizing and I don't ever want to be like that toward Andréa ever again. Life is already difficult without you trying to mess things up on your own. Love is easy. You just let it happen. People are the ones that make it complicated. We bring all of the external obstacles into the relationship when they really have no place there. It's really cliché but it's true--everyone needs to just "live, laugh, and love."

Everyone seems happy that we're together, even with the not-so-happy events in our short history. Our friends and families aren't supportive just because we're madly in love with each other, they see that we're both making an effort. Andréa and I have both made necessary changes. Changes that will benefit our relationship but will allow us to stay true to ourselves at the same time. We just need to keep reminding ourselves that we come from two different countries on two different continents. We speak different languages and come from different cultures. We were each nurtured differently. Everything between the two of us is different except for our future goals, and one crucial thing...love. 

Jeudi, 18 Juillet 2013: Staring Into Eternity

With the steps I had taken on Monday, my relationship with Andréa was on its way to changing--for the better. We still hadn't seen each other since the day my host parents stepped in, so I was scared today when he asked me to come to Marseille to see him. He had wanted to wait for Didier's permission before he saw me in person. Didier had previously told him to stay away. We waited a few days until he was back from his business trip to ask in person. Neither of us wanted to ask via text or phone call. I explained the situation to my host dad and how our conversation about emotions and opening up has resulted in me doing just that. Didier was ecstatic that I was no longer hiding my true feelings and of course gave Andréa and I permission to see each other even though he said we didn't need to ask him.

I went to Marseille after lunch today. I parked the car outside of Andréa's apartment complex, fiddled with my belongings, and just sat there for 10 minutes. I wasn't ready yet. As much as I love Andréa, I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks and I was nervous. I wasn't afraid that anything was going to go wrong. I was just nerve-wracked. I finally got out of my car and walked up to his apartment complex, slowly. I waited outside for a bit but then I finally hit the button by his name. When he buzzed me in, I held the door open and just waited for awhile. Andréa buzzed me in a second time, probably because I hadn't walked through his door yet. When he opened his door to come out and find me, I was planted against the wall at the bottom of the steps. I was so nervous! I walked into his apartment without stopping as he walked out to find me. I went straight to the couch, sat down, and put a pillow over my head. I was just so overwhelmed with emotion and I didn't want to show it. I guess Andréa was feeling the same way because he just stood in the doorway for awhile.

Andréa came and sat down beside me on the couch after awhile. We didn't say anything to each other. I tried to relax but listening to the way he was breathing didn't help. I don't know if he was crying or if he was just taking really deep breaths. Either way, I didn't relax. About an hour later, we finally made eye contact. It was weird...I averted my eyes a few times because I was just uncomfortable. It wasn't like we were strangers. It kind of just felt like we were both embarrassed for what had happened between us. Once we got comfortable, we just stared at each other for a long, long time. The talking never really happened. We kind of just fed off of each others' presence and took advantage of our time together. I think that was the longest hug I've ever had my whole life...

Mercredi, 17 Juillet 2013: Return to Mont St. Victoire

I woke up around 6h00 this morning for a hike. My host parents agreed to take Gregoire to the creche so that I could hike up St. Victoire one last time before heading back to the states. The three girls all carpooled together. We had all met for the first time this morning. The four of us rendez-vous'ed at the dam and hiked from there. The gate to the dam was closed but we decided to hop the fence because there was no way we were waiting until 9h00 to start the hike--especially with this heat wave. It was supposed to get around 30°C  (86°F) by noon today. 

Though we had just met this morning, it was really easy to talk to the girls. I was completely open with them and it seemed as if they were with me too. I like being able to chat without feeling like I'm being judged and I like people to feel comfortable with me as well. Travelers are generally much more friendly though. It's easy for us to make friends. Well, and we're all au pairs so we have to be somewhat likeable ;-) The four of us talked the entire 5 hour hike up and down the mountain. I wouldn't have known it was 5 hours though, it seemed like it went by so fast! 

Here's to new friendships and new adventures! Enjoy the pictures!

Mardi, 16 Juillet 2013: I'm A Big Kid Now

Yesterday during breakfast Céline told Gregoire that we were no longer using diapers. She finally put her foot down and told him that he needed to use the potty. Surprisingly, he didn't fight her on it. That's the thing though, when maman says you're going to do something, you do it! She just wasn't firm before. I've been trying to potty train him myself for the past few months--knowing that he's starting school next year and that there are no diaper changers there. Didier never thought it was a big deal, figuring it would happen in its own time. He was right! As usual! 

This morning I hung out on the couch while Greg was on the potty. We watched cartoons until he did his "pi pi" and "caca." Then, and only then, was I able to dress him for the day and take him to the creche. We're trying to make this a routine. I'm all for it, obviously. Potty seats are easier clean up!!!

Lundi, 15 Juillet 2013: Making Waves

Didier left for business today. I was happy to have the house to myself because that's the only time I can get any real cleaning done. There were still tape marks all over the windows I had painted so that was the job I tackled today. Maman brought me gasoline like I had asked, and a razor. It took pretty much all morning, but the gunk is gone! People will actually be able to see through the windows at the party. Ha haha.

I was exhausted after all of the work so I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I just felt so awful...Not physically, but emotionally. My guts felt like they were being ripped out metaphorically speaking. I knew exactly what the problem was but I didn't want to admit to it. I miss Andréa.

I was the only one home so I knew that being home alone and not hearing Didier scramble about had something to do with it. So, I got up and started re-arranging some things. After a few hours of cleaning and organizing, you'd think that I could've gotten my mind off of my break-up, but no. It didn't go away. I went outside and played with Google for a bit of distraction, but every time I looked at her puppy dog eyes, I imagined Andréa every time he was sad. I knew that he was probably more torn up than me but I couldn't shake the feeling coming over me. Maybe I'm finally feeling what he feels every time I tell him "it's over."

I paced around the terrace for awhile and mulled it all over. How I could possibly miss a guy that I can no longer see eye-to-eye with, someone who makes me feel like my ideas are completely inane--like I'm his mom, a guy that pushed me down like I was his kid sister, a guy that argues with me like I'm his pal. Then it hit me. I was all of those things for him, but in a different form. To Andréa, I was his caretaker, side-kick, and friend. Women are everything for their significant others. I was everything for him and he was everything for me, even with all of the obstacles thrown in. That's what made it a real relationship--the effort to make it all work with our different personalities from different cultures. Love comes naturally, but there needs to be compromise and an open ear as well.

I kept on reflecting back to the conversation with Didier last week. My host dad told me not to hide my feelings and always be true to my heart. He told me that I don't always have to be so tough. That's difficult for me considering the life I had as a child. Even if something hurts me, I always try to be a bad ass and that's worked out well for me in the past but now I'm afraid I'm about to lose someone important. Yes, he hurt me but it's nothing that can't be fixed, so long as HE's the one that wants to fix it. I hurt him too, emotionally, and I know what I have to change. I want to change that part in me. The "I don't give a shit" mentality--especially towards him, because it's a lie. I always care when it comes to Andréa. 

Most people would say "Hey, you're American. He's French. You're already broken up and you're going home soon. Let it go." But I can't! I'm in love with him and when you're so intertwined with another soul, you can't just drop it. You have to right your wrongs and see if they're willing to do the same. I spoke to my friend Autumn about my feelings. I figured she'd be most understanding considering she's an American who is engaged to a French man. They basically went through a lot of the same things so I wanted to see how she felt about our situation. She said something that really just inspired me and completely changed my outlook. "You are both still alive so as long as we are alive...we can always do things over..." Those words washed over me like the ocean and I knew what I had to do, what I wanted to do. I had been fighting with myself about it for a few hours already but with Autumn's encouragement I finally decided to send Andréa a message and put myself out there. It's completely uncharacteristic of me to make myself vulnerable and show my true feelings but I was willing to take the risk. I'm going back to Epictetus' words of wisdom for this scenario. 

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." 

I told Andréa how I really felt about everything. He hadn't tried to contact me since our huge blowout so I didn't expect him to reply, but he did. We spent the rest of the afternoon texting and when night came, he asked me to get on Skype. I was hesitant because I hadn't seen his face in 2 weeks. I had said "no" but when he begged me, I decided this was the next step in my change for the better. I had to get over my fears--that's what destroys a relationship. It's time to re-build our union, beginning with re-painting myself. When the live video popped up on the screen I let out a huge sigh of relief. He was there. Still waiting for me. His face was red with distress and fatigue. Tears were pouring down his cheeks. He was obviously hurt. But anyone could see that he's still completely in love with me. Hopefully he saw the same on my end. We spent the next few hours talking and when it came time to go to bed Andréa asked that I keep the webcam on. He said that he needed my presence...I thought the video would be a disturbance and keep him up, but after a lot of convincing, he went to bed with me next to him on the screen. About 3 hours later, when I saw that he was completely passed out, I ended the video call. 

The first step is over, yes, but we're on our way to make more--together.

Dimanche, 14 Juillet 2013: Bêtes de Provence

I left Krystle's pretty early this morning. When I arrived back home, my host family and the 8 guests were already eating breakfast. I, of course, dove right in.

After Julien and all of his friends took off to the wedding brunch Didier, Céline, and I started working. My farewell party is Saturday and we finally have some motivation to work on the outside of the house. The three of us cleaned up the entire parking area which was completely covered with crap--fallen branches, old shrubs that had been torn out, even trash. As soon as we finished raking all of the stuff up, it looked like a whole new place! Instead of 3 cars, there's now space for 20! It's amazing!!!

In the midst of cleaning and re-arranging, I came across a little scorpion. It was so small, it could fit inside a nickel. I had no idea they existed in these parts! When I think of scorpions, I think of huge deserts. But no, they're here too. We found about 3 of them and smashed them all. I kind of wish I would've kept one as a pet. I've always wanted one! I know...I'm a little bit strange. Ha haha

Since we're on the topic of pests, I'd just like to say that the mosquitoes in Provence are the absolute worst!!! They NEVER bite me back in the states. It's so annoying here! Since there's no A/C and it's hot as balls, we sleep with the windows and shutters open to let in the cool, night air. The problem with that is that you also let in all of the evil bloodsuckers. Even if you're not getting bitten, like say you sleep with a sheet over your body and head, you still hear them buzzing around your head. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks...Darn you skeeters!!!

There's another bug that's famous for the Provence area. They're called "eules." They're these creepy, black millipedes that come out when it's warm. They crawl all over your house and their favorite hangout is doorways. I have no idea why...But I started surveying all entrances once they started falling on my head...Blech!!!

Today is also Bastille day. I had always heard that the French celebrate Bastille Day like we celebrate Independence Day back in the states. It was similar, but back home, we do more of the BBQ social and shoot off our own fireworks. My host parents, Greg, and I just watched the city fireworks from our terrace. I was exhausted from all of the yard work, so I'm glad we didn't do anything extravagant this Bastille Day. Whew!