I had moved all of my stuff from the guest bedroom upstairs to the apartment downstairs on Monday. Here, I have my own private bathroom, kitchen, and bedroom with a direct exit outside. I was only staying in the kids' wing the first week because Didier's parents couldn't go up and down a lot of stairs. I slept so wonderfully in my new queen size bed that I completely missed my 8h30 language class. I felt like such a jerk because my favorite prof Nathalie teaches it and I hate being disrespectful.
I didn't have class again until 15h00 so I met Danielle and Jacob for lunch on Rue Italie. I had already eaten so Danielle just got me a café au lait which a bee had gleefully landed in. I watched him struggle for a few minutes before I decided I was being cruel and fished him out. Alors, it must have been destined that he was to die that day because as soon as I pulled him out, he was stepped on by a random passerby.
When Tehtahua and Vctora stopped by to chat I found out that Nathalie did not give the exam this morning because she was waiting for me to get there. Agh!!! Now I feel like a super jerk!!!
I picked Gregoire from daycare comme d'habitude. Léa and Baptiste are with their dad tonight and Camille is still on her field trip. Céline and Didier made it home at their usual hour and I left for the Cours Mirabeau to meet up with Jacob, Kami, and Danielle. We went to a restaurant called La Piazza Papa--an italian chain restaurant. For being on the Cours Mirabeau it was decently priced. Jacob and Kami ordered pizzas while I ordered a combo. My meal came with a salad surrounding a white soft cheese, tenderized chicken, and pasta in a goat cheese and honey sauce.
Danielle met up with Gaultier while Kami went home. Jacob offered to walk me back to the parking garage. When we got back to my car, we hugged and said our goodbyes. He really caught me off guard when he said "I love you..." I'm not sure what the expression on my face was but I pretty much had a heart attack! I didn't know what to say or do so I asked him if he was being serious. He didn't even have to answer because I knew by his expression that he was. I was absolutely horrified. What is going on here??? I asked him if he expected me to say it back and he said "no." Though I was extremely put off, I offered to drive him home. He refused so we went our separate ways.
Let me provide you a little bit on my history with Jacob...
It was March, and I had gone to Clementine for trivia night. I was meeting Matt--a guy I was dating, and Jameson--one of the regulars at my bar and a friend. Jameson brought Jacob who he worked with. After we met, I started seeing him more at my bar. He seemed like an interesting person. I like the super intelligent people who can teach me something. After seeing him regularly, I invited him out on a hike, like I always invite people to do things. He came with me and another guy I was seeing--we'll call him DJ. Somehow that night, he ended up having a drunken converstion with DJ about how he was upset that I liked DJ but not him. I kind of brushed it off. But, with the more I saw Jacob, the more I became interested in him. I liked him, yes, and I saw the possibility of a relationship, yes, but I didn't really entertain the idea so much. I talked to him about moving out to Portland for med school. I'm obsessed with traveling, obviously, and I've never lived on the west coast. I suggested that we move in together because I don't like paying for an entire house by myself, and I would want a house, not an apartment. This was not at all motivated by any idea of a relationship. All of his co-workers knew that he liked me and that I returned some interest. We all joked about how cute our half-asian nerd kids would be and I would tell Jacob about this. I guess you can't really kid about that because some people might take it seriously. I'm a freakin' idiot. Another thing I need to learn not to do is use the word love, especially when I don't mean it. I told Jacob this past summer "You are such a nerd! That's why I love you." This was when he said 'thank you' in japanese when I was serving him a beer at my bar. Of course I didn't mean 'I'm in love with you'. Jacob is a nice guy, but I need someone more forward, outgoing, and romantic. Like an idiot, I thought he came to France because he had been working so much and needed a break. I had no idea he came to pursue a romance. But it's only a romance when it's romantic...Does that make sense?
When I got home tonight, I was still flabbergasted. I didn't know what to do or really how to react so I got on Facebook to tell Danielle what had happened. She wasn't online, but Jacob was. Instead of putting the entire conversation in my own words, I'm just going to copy and paste. I feel like an awful bitch by the way. I don't know how I always get myself into this sitution...I am just a horrible human being...
Tuesday
10:48pm
Jacob Schloss
hopefully you aren't super weirded out. i didn't want a repeat of my last relationship
10:51pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
What do you mean about your last relationship?
10:52pm
Jacob Schloss
i had feelings for her, she moved far away, she gradually stopped having feelings for me and at some later point I found out
10:58pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Well, did she tell you herself?
10:59pm
Jacob Schloss
yes. but first she said she didn't want to be in a relationship with me but still felt the same way. so i was left hanging with that for 6 months
11:00pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Ahhh
Okay. So, what do you think is happening with us then?
11:00pm
Jacob Schloss
i don't know what is happening with us : )
i wanted to find out how you felt
11:03pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Honestly, I've lost what I've felt for you before. It's just different when there's not constant affection and re-affirmation. I'm the type of girl that needs that. And when I don't get it, I don't get upset. I just kind of forget about the people. It's not your fault.
11:03pm
Jacob Schloss
sometimes it seems like you want to be in one, sometimes it doesnt
11:03pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I was still excited for you to come and to show you around and stuff. It's just different now
11:03pm
Jacob Schloss
i see
11:03pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I do want to be in a relationship. I really do. But there's just no one that fits my personality or needs
And that includes you. You're a great person but everytime I think about us together I think about how inexperienced you are with relationships and how I would walk all over you. That just doesn't sound right to me. But I know it would happen
I've only been single since May and that's...pretty pathetic. I don't think I need to seek or push anything to happen, even with you, especially with you living on the other side of the world
11:05pm
Jacob Schloss
do you mean being single since may is pathetic?
11:06pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
No, only having been single for 5 months is pathetic. I think I need more me time and I'm not looking for anything. Especially since I'm not planning on settling down for a long long time
Maybe ever
11:08pm
Jacob Schloss
that is part of what i wanted to know. I didnt want to be the only one trying (again)
11:14pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I don't know. I just don't see us together anymore. You're never "home." I crave adventure and romance and excitement. You're inexperienced in those areas. You're introverted. I'm a crazy type of extroverted. You're 3 years younger than me. I'm a 40 year old living in a 26 year old body. etc...
11:15pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I spent all summer thinking about what it would be like to be with you. I think I was over-romanticizing the idea because in theory, we'd be perfect together--because of our interests. But in reality, we would never satisfy each others' needs. You know?
I'm just trying to be reasonable and I don't want to drag you along. I think you're great, but not great for me
And I do love you, a lot. As a friend though. I remember telling you that the last time you were at JB's. But I was being playful. There's a difference between saying "I love ya" or "I love you" and "I'm in love with you"--for girls anyway
11:17pm
Jacob Schloss
i just generally do not use the first two
11:18pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I see
11:18pm
Jacob Schloss
i am inexperienced.
haha you knew that the whole time
i have tried to do one big grand romantic gesture before
it kind of failed spectacularly
it is somewhat funny in retrospect
ive spent a bit of time thinking about us as well
i dont know if it would work or not, i have no baseline to compare to
ive never lived with anyone
i wanted to try
because i thought it might work
11:24pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
It wouldn't work
If you remember Matt, my last boyfriend. You remind me a lot of him--just with the experience you lack. I liked him, but we were just too different. I don't want to put you through the same thing he went through.
11:26pm
Jacob Schloss
i don't know him, only saw him once
11:26pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
k. Well, he sucked. But it wasn't really his fault. We didn't mesh
11:27pm
Jacob Schloss
pessimist ; )
11:27pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
No, I'm a realist. There's a difference
11:27pm
Jacob Schloss
thats too bad
11:28pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
There's one thing you learn from living in different parts of the world. Or the US at least. Those closer to DC are realists. Midwesterners and true southerners are optimists and northerners are usually no where
11:28pm
Jacob Schloss
im a midwesterner lol
i guess that is true
11:30pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I wasn't sure if I didn't want anything to happen with you until you kissed me the other night. And when you did, I just knew
11:31pm
Jacob Schloss
lol
that bad eh
ok. i guess in a surprising mirror I hadn't decided if i wanted anything to happen until i kissed you
but like you said how your feelings werent the same as before, mine came back when we hung out
i just dont lose people with distance like most people seem to
11:42pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I know. Guys are like that. Girls are the more "out of sight, out of mind" crowd
11:43pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
It's just like every time I would go home for break, I would dump whoever I was dating in Indiana unless I knew they would be coming to VA to visit. Because otherwise, I knew I'd be interested in someone else by then, even if I loved them a lot. I think it's a survival mechanism that's just built in because of all the women scorned in the past
11:43pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Are you upset with me?
11:47pm
Jacob Schloss
wow. that is fast...
upset, yes somewhat, it usually gets worse later. upset with you, slightly but not that much.
11:47pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Mmk
Well, don't let it ruin your time here
I want you to experience France for all that it's worth, without me on your mind
11:48pm
Jacob Schloss
you would be on my mind regardless : P
11:48pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I honestly [stupidly] thought that you were coming here just to vacation
11:49pm
Jacob Schloss
lol. the part where you said you wanted to live with me changed thigns
11:49pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
But everytime someone asks you why you're here and you say that you came to see me, I feel like a major idiot
11:49pm
Jacob Schloss
oh. lol. i did kind of notice you body language the first time i said that
11:50pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Well, I would still want to live with you as long as you wouldn't have any romantic feelings for me. But I'm still staying in VA
Great...
11:51pm
Jacob Schloss
i was wondering why you reacted that way heh
i did mostly come to see you
but such is life
11:56pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
See, I'm not that type of person. Even if I like a person in a certain place that I'm visiting, my motivation would really just be the travel and the cultural experience
11:57pm
Jacob Schloss
it is both
i guess this was me wanting to give it a shot. i knew it would fail if we waited until you came back
so i came to visit
because i missed you
12:03am
Melinda Xaynhasone
Well, I missed you too
12:05am
Jacob Schloss
i know : )
12:13am
Melinda Xaynhasone
So, you gonna move to VA or what?
12:14am
Jacob Schloss
i still have feeling for you
so living with you would not work
if you dont have feelings too
12:14am
Melinda Xaynhasone
But it's just a smidgen of a feeling, right?
lol
12:14am
Jacob Schloss
*feelings
: )
no
not a smidgen
def plural
lol
12:15am
Melinda Xaynhasone
Well, you wouldn't have to live with me silly
12:15am
Jacob Schloss
id want to though
12:16am
Melinda Xaynhasone
That doesn't make sense
12:17am
Jacob Schloss
as in, at the moment, i want to
forgetting the conversation from the last several hours
12:18am
Melinda Xaynhasone
lol
12:21am
Jacob Schloss
hehe
"discussing possibility the our unborn children being cute. Everyone agrees that they will be super gorgeous and a nerd herd."
12:22am
Melinda Xaynhasone
People always do that
12:22am
Jacob Schloss
does what
12:23am
Melinda Xaynhasone
Talks about how cute certain peoples' kids could be
12:23am
Jacob Schloss
i was just thinking about it and it made me laugh
12:23am
Melinda Xaynhasone
It IS funny, but it's weird now
12:23am
Jacob Schloss
lol
12:23am
Melinda Xaynhasone
Especially since your boss said it
12:24am
Jacob Schloss
lol
i though you said it
mmk
12:26am
Melinda Xaynhasone
I was repeating
I didn't have class again until 15h00 so I met Danielle and Jacob for lunch on Rue Italie. I had already eaten so Danielle just got me a café au lait which a bee had gleefully landed in. I watched him struggle for a few minutes before I decided I was being cruel and fished him out. Alors, it must have been destined that he was to die that day because as soon as I pulled him out, he was stepped on by a random passerby.
When Tehtahua and Vctora stopped by to chat I found out that Nathalie did not give the exam this morning because she was waiting for me to get there. Agh!!! Now I feel like a super jerk!!!
I picked Gregoire from daycare comme d'habitude. Léa and Baptiste are with their dad tonight and Camille is still on her field trip. Céline and Didier made it home at their usual hour and I left for the Cours Mirabeau to meet up with Jacob, Kami, and Danielle. We went to a restaurant called La Piazza Papa--an italian chain restaurant. For being on the Cours Mirabeau it was decently priced. Jacob and Kami ordered pizzas while I ordered a combo. My meal came with a salad surrounding a white soft cheese, tenderized chicken, and pasta in a goat cheese and honey sauce.
Danielle met up with Gaultier while Kami went home. Jacob offered to walk me back to the parking garage. When we got back to my car, we hugged and said our goodbyes. He really caught me off guard when he said "I love you..." I'm not sure what the expression on my face was but I pretty much had a heart attack! I didn't know what to say or do so I asked him if he was being serious. He didn't even have to answer because I knew by his expression that he was. I was absolutely horrified. What is going on here??? I asked him if he expected me to say it back and he said "no." Though I was extremely put off, I offered to drive him home. He refused so we went our separate ways.
Let me provide you a little bit on my history with Jacob...
It was March, and I had gone to Clementine for trivia night. I was meeting Matt--a guy I was dating, and Jameson--one of the regulars at my bar and a friend. Jameson brought Jacob who he worked with. After we met, I started seeing him more at my bar. He seemed like an interesting person. I like the super intelligent people who can teach me something. After seeing him regularly, I invited him out on a hike, like I always invite people to do things. He came with me and another guy I was seeing--we'll call him DJ. Somehow that night, he ended up having a drunken converstion with DJ about how he was upset that I liked DJ but not him. I kind of brushed it off. But, with the more I saw Jacob, the more I became interested in him. I liked him, yes, and I saw the possibility of a relationship, yes, but I didn't really entertain the idea so much. I talked to him about moving out to Portland for med school. I'm obsessed with traveling, obviously, and I've never lived on the west coast. I suggested that we move in together because I don't like paying for an entire house by myself, and I would want a house, not an apartment. This was not at all motivated by any idea of a relationship. All of his co-workers knew that he liked me and that I returned some interest. We all joked about how cute our half-asian nerd kids would be and I would tell Jacob about this. I guess you can't really kid about that because some people might take it seriously. I'm a freakin' idiot. Another thing I need to learn not to do is use the word love, especially when I don't mean it. I told Jacob this past summer "You are such a nerd! That's why I love you." This was when he said 'thank you' in japanese when I was serving him a beer at my bar. Of course I didn't mean 'I'm in love with you'. Jacob is a nice guy, but I need someone more forward, outgoing, and romantic. Like an idiot, I thought he came to France because he had been working so much and needed a break. I had no idea he came to pursue a romance. But it's only a romance when it's romantic...Does that make sense?
When I got home tonight, I was still flabbergasted. I didn't know what to do or really how to react so I got on Facebook to tell Danielle what had happened. She wasn't online, but Jacob was. Instead of putting the entire conversation in my own words, I'm just going to copy and paste. I feel like an awful bitch by the way. I don't know how I always get myself into this sitution...I am just a horrible human being...
Tuesday
10:48pm
Jacob Schloss
hopefully you aren't super weirded out. i didn't want a repeat of my last relationship
10:51pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
What do you mean about your last relationship?
10:52pm
Jacob Schloss
i had feelings for her, she moved far away, she gradually stopped having feelings for me and at some later point I found out
10:58pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Well, did she tell you herself?
10:59pm
Jacob Schloss
yes. but first she said she didn't want to be in a relationship with me but still felt the same way. so i was left hanging with that for 6 months
11:00pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Ahhh
Okay. So, what do you think is happening with us then?
11:00pm
Jacob Schloss
i don't know what is happening with us : )
i wanted to find out how you felt
11:03pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Honestly, I've lost what I've felt for you before. It's just different when there's not constant affection and re-affirmation. I'm the type of girl that needs that. And when I don't get it, I don't get upset. I just kind of forget about the people. It's not your fault.
11:03pm
Jacob Schloss
sometimes it seems like you want to be in one, sometimes it doesnt
11:03pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I was still excited for you to come and to show you around and stuff. It's just different now
11:03pm
Jacob Schloss
i see
11:03pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I do want to be in a relationship. I really do. But there's just no one that fits my personality or needs
And that includes you. You're a great person but everytime I think about us together I think about how inexperienced you are with relationships and how I would walk all over you. That just doesn't sound right to me. But I know it would happen
I've only been single since May and that's...pretty pathetic. I don't think I need to seek or push anything to happen, even with you, especially with you living on the other side of the world
11:05pm
Jacob Schloss
do you mean being single since may is pathetic?
11:06pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
No, only having been single for 5 months is pathetic. I think I need more me time and I'm not looking for anything. Especially since I'm not planning on settling down for a long long time
Maybe ever
11:08pm
Jacob Schloss
that is part of what i wanted to know. I didnt want to be the only one trying (again)
11:14pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I don't know. I just don't see us together anymore. You're never "home." I crave adventure and romance and excitement. You're inexperienced in those areas. You're introverted. I'm a crazy type of extroverted. You're 3 years younger than me. I'm a 40 year old living in a 26 year old body. etc...
11:15pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I spent all summer thinking about what it would be like to be with you. I think I was over-romanticizing the idea because in theory, we'd be perfect together--because of our interests. But in reality, we would never satisfy each others' needs. You know?
I'm just trying to be reasonable and I don't want to drag you along. I think you're great, but not great for me
And I do love you, a lot. As a friend though. I remember telling you that the last time you were at JB's. But I was being playful. There's a difference between saying "I love ya" or "I love you" and "I'm in love with you"--for girls anyway
11:17pm
Jacob Schloss
i just generally do not use the first two
11:18pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I see
11:18pm
Jacob Schloss
i am inexperienced.
haha you knew that the whole time
i have tried to do one big grand romantic gesture before
it kind of failed spectacularly
it is somewhat funny in retrospect
ive spent a bit of time thinking about us as well
i dont know if it would work or not, i have no baseline to compare to
ive never lived with anyone
i wanted to try
because i thought it might work
11:24pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
It wouldn't work
If you remember Matt, my last boyfriend. You remind me a lot of him--just with the experience you lack. I liked him, but we were just too different. I don't want to put you through the same thing he went through.
11:26pm
Jacob Schloss
i don't know him, only saw him once
11:26pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
k. Well, he sucked. But it wasn't really his fault. We didn't mesh
11:27pm
Jacob Schloss
pessimist ; )
11:27pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
No, I'm a realist. There's a difference
11:27pm
Jacob Schloss
thats too bad
11:28pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
There's one thing you learn from living in different parts of the world. Or the US at least. Those closer to DC are realists. Midwesterners and true southerners are optimists and northerners are usually no where
11:28pm
Jacob Schloss
im a midwesterner lol
i guess that is true
11:30pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I wasn't sure if I didn't want anything to happen with you until you kissed me the other night. And when you did, I just knew
11:31pm
Jacob Schloss
lol
that bad eh
ok. i guess in a surprising mirror I hadn't decided if i wanted anything to happen until i kissed you
but like you said how your feelings werent the same as before, mine came back when we hung out
i just dont lose people with distance like most people seem to
11:42pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I know. Guys are like that. Girls are the more "out of sight, out of mind" crowd
11:43pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
It's just like every time I would go home for break, I would dump whoever I was dating in Indiana unless I knew they would be coming to VA to visit. Because otherwise, I knew I'd be interested in someone else by then, even if I loved them a lot. I think it's a survival mechanism that's just built in because of all the women scorned in the past
11:43pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Are you upset with me?
11:47pm
Jacob Schloss
wow. that is fast...
upset, yes somewhat, it usually gets worse later. upset with you, slightly but not that much.
11:47pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Mmk
Well, don't let it ruin your time here
I want you to experience France for all that it's worth, without me on your mind
11:48pm
Jacob Schloss
you would be on my mind regardless : P
11:48pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
I honestly [stupidly] thought that you were coming here just to vacation
11:49pm
Jacob Schloss
lol. the part where you said you wanted to live with me changed thigns
11:49pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
But everytime someone asks you why you're here and you say that you came to see me, I feel like a major idiot
11:49pm
Jacob Schloss
oh. lol. i did kind of notice you body language the first time i said that
11:50pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
Well, I would still want to live with you as long as you wouldn't have any romantic feelings for me. But I'm still staying in VA
Great...
11:51pm
Jacob Schloss
i was wondering why you reacted that way heh
i did mostly come to see you
but such is life
11:56pm
Melinda Xaynhasone
See, I'm not that type of person. Even if I like a person in a certain place that I'm visiting, my motivation would really just be the travel and the cultural experience
11:57pm
Jacob Schloss
it is both
i guess this was me wanting to give it a shot. i knew it would fail if we waited until you came back
so i came to visit
because i missed you
12:03am
Melinda Xaynhasone
Well, I missed you too
12:05am
Jacob Schloss
i know : )
12:13am
Melinda Xaynhasone
So, you gonna move to VA or what?
12:14am
Jacob Schloss
i still have feeling for you
so living with you would not work
if you dont have feelings too
12:14am
Melinda Xaynhasone
But it's just a smidgen of a feeling, right?
lol
12:14am
Jacob Schloss
*feelings
: )
no
not a smidgen
def plural
lol
12:15am
Melinda Xaynhasone
Well, you wouldn't have to live with me silly
12:15am
Jacob Schloss
id want to though
12:16am
Melinda Xaynhasone
That doesn't make sense
12:17am
Jacob Schloss
as in, at the moment, i want to
forgetting the conversation from the last several hours
12:18am
Melinda Xaynhasone
lol
12:21am
Jacob Schloss
hehe
"discussing possibility the our unborn children being cute. Everyone agrees that they will be super gorgeous and a nerd herd."
12:22am
Melinda Xaynhasone
People always do that
12:22am
Jacob Schloss
does what
12:23am
Melinda Xaynhasone
Talks about how cute certain peoples' kids could be
12:23am
Jacob Schloss
i was just thinking about it and it made me laugh
12:23am
Melinda Xaynhasone
It IS funny, but it's weird now
12:23am
Jacob Schloss
lol
12:23am
Melinda Xaynhasone
Especially since your boss said it
12:24am
Jacob Schloss
lol
i though you said it
mmk
12:26am
Melinda Xaynhasone
I was repeating
.......
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